Reach For It!

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of comments on social networking sites by people who are gun owners.  They trumpet all the things that their state's concealed carry laws would allow them to do, if the need arose.  The really odd thing is that they speak of their guns as if they were a spouse or something.  It's almost like handguns are the new mistress in their lives!  Women too, love their guns, and tend to collect hundreds of rounds of ammunition for them.  These modern day gunslingers won't go anywhere without their weapons.  In fact there was an article in the news last month about the husband and wife in Colorado who are suing the Postal Service for prohibiting firearms on Postal Property.  They claim they should be allowed to bring their guns in when they pick up their mail!  WTF??  Our generation grew up watching Westerns on TV.  Hopalong Cassidy, the Lone Ranger, and Gunsmoke all featured pistol packing characters, who were quick on the draw, and quicker still on the trigger.  Most of us had cap guns to play with as children, and would try and emulate Marshall Dillon, or Ben Cartwright with our slightly slower draw.

I find it interesting that these concealed carry advocates remind me so much of some of the neighborhood kids I grew up with.  They were seldom seen without their trusty sidearm.   They fancied themselves as the next Marshall Dillon, tho they really didn't want to uphold the law, they wanted to impress everyone with their guns.  I have a feeling that these kids grew up to become the concealed carry movement.  They have their guns hidden where, after a short time, they can find them and use them.  My take is that if a person points a gun at you and pulls the trigger, you hardly have time to watch your life pass in front of your eyes, much less draw your gun.  Or better yet, if you see a robber holding up a citizen in a back ally somewhere, pull you trusty pistol and shoot him, you're not a hero, you are a murderer!  There is no reason to parade around with a hidden gun.  If you feel the need to have one, keep it at home.  The police force was hired, (and trained) to uphold the law.  They are the ones here to protect us.  They alone have the training, the knowledge, and experience to stop crime.
If I had my way, people would not be able to conceal pistols on their person, only shotguns.  That way, the surrounding population would know who is armed, and who to stay away from.  A concealed shotgun down a person's trouser leg would send a clear message that a gun is present, and that at any moment, the man, (or woman)  reach down to scratch themselves, and shoot their foot!


The Lone Ranger was a myth, and the "Wild West" has faded into history.  I guess some just won't let that idea go away.  Some want to relive their childhood and still play with guns.  Sadly, they aren't using caps, but live, lethal, ammunition!

The Sanford Syndrome

Growing up in the 1950's meant that, at least for us, we would live a different lifestyle than we constantly saw on TV.  We wouldn't know the joys of a color television until the early 1970's, nor have more than one television, or telephone.  We were the post-war generation, whose parents scrimped and saved to get us to adulthood.  I am reminded of this every time I switch on the television, and see ads for expensive new cars, computers, and electronic gadgets.  While as kids, we saw the ads for the latest things, but remember the ads for things our families could afford.  "See the USA in your Chevrolet" was designed to appeal to our patriotism, and convince us to buy a new car.  For most of our families, that was the impossible dream.  Instead, we watched commercials where the new car dealers tempted us with used cars.  How weird was that? We went to school in hand-me-downs, some of them from acquaintances, some from distant relatives.  
That's the point I'm trying to make here is that most people these days, have to make do with castoffs from the more affluent society.  Our wages just aren't enough to let us live the American dream.  It's kind of sad that the lives that our country promised us, have been replaced by a second-hand lifestyle.  Our wages have never kept up with the cost of living, and inflation has destroyed our buying power.  We can't even afford to stay the same, as prices keep going up.


And so we live our lives with the castoff items of the better off.  It's not just a small percentage of society that does this anymore, either.  It's not like I'm complaining, though.  I'm more than happy to buy used things at estate sales and thrift shops.  In fact, I feel smarter than those folks that paid way too much for an item, just because it was "in" at the time.


In the 1970's, there was a television show called "Sanford and Son".  It was about a junk dealer who dealt in second hand items.  We watched it back then, as young people who had the world by the tail.  We mocked those that would buy something second hand.  There was no limit to what we could earn.  I'm still in awe of the day I received a raise, and actually surpassed my father's income.  There was nothing we couldn't do!
Reality has a way of bitch-slapping you back to earth, though.  By the 1990's, we found that our money didn't go very far anymore.  We found ourselves having to make do with less than perfect things to get by.  We bought used cars, shopped garage sales and flea markets in order to buy what we needed at the lowest price possible.


It's far worse in this new millennium.  Nearly everyone shops the second hand stores and estate sales.  I have found myself in the position of being a "Fred Sanford" myself as of late.  I have been working for an estate sale company selling off the belongings of the deceased and passing along bargains in the process.  There is a certain cachet to doing this.  People tend to seek me out, asking me to be on the lookout for things they need.  I see most of our customers around town, so I am always in contact with them.  If I do find what they want, I'm always willing to negotiate a fair price for it.  This makes everyone happy, as they always know what the price is for a new item.  This is the "second generation American dream", I guess.  We have little chance of buying new, and have to resort to used merchandise.  I just try to make the experience a little more fun.  

We have learned to keep things longer, fix what we have to make it last, and do what it takes to get by in this new economy.  Hand-me-downs aren't so bad anymore, and junk has now become junque for most of us.  I'm sure not complaining, as now I've found my niche in the second hand world.


RIP Fred Sanford, your business is in good hands!

Waiting for Columbus

During the holidays this year, we had the opportunity to have Christmas dinner at my sister and brother-in-law's home.  After a fantastic meal, we settled in to view photos of their recent 17 day cruise from Barcelona Spain to Houston TX.  Considering the fact that I've never even set foot in the ocean, this was an astounding feat!  The cruise took them to the Canary Islands, (named after dogs, not birds).  What's even more amazing is that the house that Christopher Columbus lived in there, is still standing, and looks quite nice after all these years.  We all know the rhyme: "In fourteen-hundred and ninety two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue."  It was lucky for him he didn't wait a year, as we might just be saying: "In fourteen-hundred and Ninety-three, Columbus sank to the bottom of the sea!"  
At any rate, the fact that his home still stands, just as he left it, with all the surrounding houses as well, is simply astonishing.  In fact in many of the photos we saw of Spain, entire towns were just as they were centuries ago, not as tourist attractions, but as every day homes for regular people.

I gave this fact a lot of thought the other day, when there was yet another video on the news of a perfectly good skyscraper being leveled.  You might ask "why"??"  Why to put up another skyscraper, of course!  Tiger Woods's ex-wife is tearing down her multi-million dollar mansion to build, gasp, another mansion!

I cannot understand this throw-away society.  We tear down perfectly good things, in order to build another perfectly good thing, which will also be torn down in a few years.  There was nothing wrong with the old one, it just wasn't as modern, or didn't have the same features as the new one.  Then, we fret over landfill space, due to the constant upgrading of our lives.  
We buy new cars when the ashtray on our old one is full, new electronics when another, newer item arrives, and pursue new lives when the old one isn't prestigious enough.   I suppose it has something to do with being Americans.  We live in the wide open spaces of America (but mostly live in the congested cities),  we tout our independence, (while constantly worrying what others must think), and only preserve our heritage when forced to.  We want a constant stream of newness, and to always be able to "keep up with the Jones"  What ever happened to "the simple life"?
We could just as easily be content with the status we have, and the lives we live.  Instead, we beat ourselves up trying to "get ahead".  Sadly, there is no ahead.  Once that plateau has been reached, people realize that it's not as good as the next one, and the one after that.  The existence can continue as long as the money holds out.  When it doesn't, people are forced to regroup, and rethink their existence.  That old car isn't so bad, that old cell phone won't get you on Facebook, but it will make a phone call!  At some point, you have to wonder what all the fuss is about. 

Columbus had to borrow money from Queen Isabella of Spain to make his journey.  He wasn't a wealthy man, he merely wanted to find a new way to get to India for face to face tech support for his Microsoft product.  He had every intention of returning to his home, and living out his life there.  At no time did he feel like: "I've got my own holiday now, perhaps I need some new digs".  This pragmatic  approach to life should be a lesson for us all.  Give thanks for what you have, and keep it in good shape.  You may never get anything better!
And, most importantly, give thanks that 'ol Christopher decided to take matters into his own hands and find the new world, rather than sit home on the phone, waiting for tech support!

"Adios, Amigos!"

Lately, it seems that more and more people are struggling to come to grips with the issues that affect each of us.  We face a huge debt run up by our former president Bush (AKA The Texas Twit),  a dieing Postal Service (also thanks to the Texas Twit), and illegal immigration.  With another election year on it's way, we have a number of candidates talking about the issues, but none with a real plan to fix any of these problems.  It's sad to see that someone who aspires to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the free world, hasn't a clue about how to bring it back to it's glory.  


As the only person in the nation with a plan to fix all three, I hereby offer this solution:
First off, we must acknowledge the fact that we have over 12 million illegals here, with more sneaking over the border every day.  



Secondly, our nation is pretty much broke thanks to the Texas Twit invading the wrong country after 9/11.    "Mission Accomplished" my ass!  We have wasted trillions of dollars, and countless lives on this fiasco.


Thirdly, the US Post Office Department was given life in article 10 of the US constitution.   The idea that it must be killed off for the good of the nation flies in the face of reason.  The Postal Service delivers needed communications, while the congress merely sits around and acts like a bunch of children!


I have an idea to right these wrongs, a plan to fix all three in one fell swoop!

First, we notify each and every illegal resident here that we insist that they immigrate legally, or leave the country.  The Postal Service would convey this demand via Registered Mail (postage due, of course).  This would enrich the coffers of our national mail service.


After a short waiting period, the remaining illegal residents would be rounded up, and taken to holding areas.  During this time, giant catapults would be built along the US-Mexican border.  After careful review, I have found that Arizona and California would not be a good state to set up in.  The same goes for New Mexico, as the first illegal aliens from space landed here.  These visitors brought technology unknown in the 1940's resulting in the birth of spray cheese, beer nuts, and Doritos.  We could not minimize their contribution to our culture by putting catapults here.  No, the proper state would be Texas, with the longest border strip.


Now in order to bail out the treasury, the US would enlist the aid of the Las Vegas bookies  A virtual grid would be superimposed on the Mexican side of the border, and live firings would go on day and night.  The illegal would first be given a parachute to ensure a safe landing, and that same 'chute would be made of an edible fabric.  Land and eat, amigo!  Bookies would set odds on where the illegal might land, with the US getting 50% of the profits.  It could become the next national past time, with millions of wagers and the entire nation watching on Pay-Per-View!  
Yet another reason to chose Texas is that with the insane amount of guns in the state, it's always possible that perhaps one of the citizens might shoot an illegal out of the sky, upping the odds for someone who bet on an alternate square square.


So you see, three problems solved at once!  What other candidate thinks this deep, and finds answers?



Adios Pedro, and happy landings!

Enough Already!

The news this morning had yet another story about Tim Tebow, the Denver Bronco's quarterback who seemingly is known more for his praying than his playing.  The national press has bombarded us with photos of Tebow down on one knee giving thanks to the guy upstairs for letting him complete a touchdown pass or other such nonsense.  Are we then to assume that the big guy is a Broncos fan?  That's sort of favoritism, isn't it?  I would think that the Green Bay Packers would be more to a deity's liking.  The thought that Vince Lombardi wouldn't have some sort of influence on holy fandom is just ridiculous!  

This whole idea of thanking an imaginary person for "helping" you do something you actually did yourself had gotten out of control.  From the Emmy Awards, to the Oscars, to the Grammys, performers and artists thank Jesus for their good fortune.  Does anyone really think that a higher power helped them remember their lines in a movie, or look like a cool gang-banger is a music video?  This is just nuts, and it's getting worse by the week.
Watch a NASCAR race sometime, and you'll wonder if you are in church.  The long invocation each race begins with is unneeded.  The Lord doesn't care if anyone wins the race or not, he has no money on it, nor does he have his own track.  He does sponsor one car sometimes, at least that's what the graphics on it suggest.  However, I don't think Jesus is in the stands wearing a mullet and a #3 jersey sipping beers, and eating brats.  Nor does he drive his motor home to the track's infield to do a bit of tailgating before the race!  

Religion is just fine, as long as you keep it to yourself.  Believe what you want, but don't make a big production out of it.  Think about the outrage if a Muslim player did the same thing as Tebow does.  People would be rioting in the stands!  You can bet the news media wouldn't replay the video over and over either.  Personally, I would like to see a pagan quarterback make a great play, and then sacrifice a goat afterwards!  Now that woulds be some fine TV!

The bottom line is that you're successful on your own.
No higher power does stuff for you, you've got to do it yourself.  Sadly, if you screw up, there's no one to blame for that either.  You're on your own in this life!  Let's tone this whole thing down a bit. Because if we don't, one day we'll be watching the green flag drop at a NASCAR race and Darryl Waltrip will be encouraging drivers to "reach up and pull those bible belts tight, boys"!
Boogity, boogity, boogity, let's go prayin'!

 

A Thanksgiving Christmas

Several posts ago, I related the story of the first Thanksgiving, and I kind of left the readers hanging.  I thought I'd follow up with the rest of the story:

    Flash back to just after the first  Thanksgiving...

Victoria Secret is still running her bordello, and Snookie, jilted wife of Miles Standoffish, has joined  the business.  Snookie brings in a lot of wampum, and business is booming.  The new world has indeed been good to Miss Secret!

Meanwhile, across the pond, a gathering takes place in an old German pub.  Father Christmas, St. Nick, and Kris Kringle are huddled together in a hastily called meeting.  It seems that there are not enough of them to serve Europe, and the newly founded nation, and none of them want to add a strange new land to their routes.  There was no easy answer to this dilemma, and they argued long into the night.   Suddenly, the door burst open, and in staggered a huge, drunk German man named Klaus.  The obnoxious man pestered the men for spare change to buy more to drink.  His unrelenting ranting finally gave them an idea!  Why not send this lout to the new land to represent them?  If he meets an untimely end, then they know it wasn't safe there in the first place. They asked his name, and he replied "Klaus".  As they were also a bit tipsy, they heard it as "Claus".  Father Christmas asked: "Claus, would you like a job where you can make enough to keep you liquored up?"  Klaus straightened up and looked at them, and replied "JA!"  Kris Kringle then said "I proclaim you Santa Claus", and they proceeded to pack him off to the new land.


When the newly appointed "Santa" arrived, he found no evidence of any taverns, bars or pubs.  What's worse, he had been given a one way ticket!  He was marooned in a strange land.  Luckily for him, he discovered Victoria Secret's bordello, and went to pay a visit.


"I come down your chimney and leave you toys" shouted Claus.  "No, you come through the door like everyone else and leave your money" yelled Victoria.
Santa was not to be deterred. However many of the young braves who were there for Snookie, were repulsed at the sight of a 300+ pound naked fat guy chasing poor Victoria around the parlor.  Finally, Claus gave up, put his red suit back on, and left, falling asleep under a nearby tree.


That night, Victoria prayed for an intervention from above.  She couldn't have this lout ruining her business!  All at once, there was a flash of blinding light, and suddenly, a dozen short men stood before her.  "We are the Elve Apostles, and we are here to help you out.  There will be a hearing tomorrow, and we will decide the fate of this Santa Claus person".
While it appeared that the Elve Apostles were smiling at their intervention, they were really smiling at the fact that Victoria was wearing a very short nighty.  "Piss off you little pervs" yelled Victoria, "I'll see you tomorrow!"


The next day, the meting convened in a lodge building donated by Chief Justice.  The Elve Apostles argued back and forth over what to do with the jolly old sot.  Towards the end of the day, they are hopelessly deadlocked, six for leaving him here, and six for sending him back home.  "We need a tie-breaker cried the first Elf"  "There is just no way we can decide this!"
Suddenly, the lights in the room dimmed until it was totally dark.  Then a spotlight appeared, sweeping around the room, finally stopping and illuminating a lone figure.  He was an Elf like the others, yet quite different.  As he strode up to the podium, the spotlight made the rhinestones on his cape and jumpsuit sparkle.  The crowded lodge broke into applause, while Snookie and Victoria swooned.


"Thank you, thank you very much" he said, as he peered over his wrap-around sunglasses.  "I'm here to take care of business!"  "I have made a decision, and you will no longer have to deal with this man."  "I am condemning him to life at the North Pole, until such time as he can be properly exploited and capitalized upon."  "One day, he will become a cash cow for corporations, and bring millions of people the joy that comes with the burden of massive debt."  "He will be packaged, promoted, and pimped across the land!"  
With that, the thirteenth elf vanished, leaving the room in a flash of light.  As he was being led away, Klaus (or Claus) stared at his accuser pointing a finger at her yelling "HO, HO, HO!"  Victoria smiled back, confident that her "business" would rebound after getting rid of the old fat guy.


So from that day forward, the American Santa has lived at the North Pole, and of course, the rest is history.
However, don't you wonder just who that thirteenth elf was...not even a little....?


Why it was Elf-vis, of course!!

Inter-NOT!

We have just emerged from a near 24 hour Internet outage here.  I'd love to say we came through unscathed, but that's hardly the case.  It's like your train leaving from the station, as you watch it go.  Funny how the entire world has evolved to embrace the technology.


Our ancestors pretty much lived and died within 25 miles of the place they were born.  News from afar came in the form of letters from family members, or the local newspaper.  Knowledge of happenings overseas was unheard of, and keeping up with the family meant a letter every year or so.


Things began to change with the invention of the radio, and eventually television.  Yet, these were still passive devices.  You were presented with programs that purported to be factual, but you never knew if it was indeed true.  None the less, you were in touch with the whole world around you...the world just didn't know you were there.


With the advent of the personal computer, came new hardware to connect to others.  Modems enabled you to subscribe to "Bulletin Boards" in other cities via the phone lines, and learn about other people's lives, thoughts and desires.  Still, it was a one way street.  If you posted something, you had to wait for someone to log on, read it, and reply.


The Commodore computer opened an entirely new chapter with the advent of Q-Link, a new computer service.  With this program, you were able to chat LIVE with people around the nation!  You could play games, trade recipes, or just keep up with your new found friends lives. 
This amazing breakthrough went on to become AOL, which still exists today.


AOL brought us the fledgeling Internet.  I'll never forget getting goosebumps as I passed through the so called "Internet Gateway" and merged onto the Information Superhighway!  Lewis and Clark couldn't have been prouder of their discovery!  I went to places I never imagined I'd visit, and saw things that I never thought I'd see.  With the Internet, I became a citizen of the world.


30 years later, the Internet is woven into the fabric of our lives.  We check E-Mail countless times a day, Tweet when we're down (or up for that matter), play games with people thousands of miles away, and share our lives with friends and family.  They are available to us 24/7, and we cherish every moment!  We meet people who share our interests, and become friends.  We are actually able to "talk" to local celebrities, just as if they were family.  We receive news as it happens, from multiple sources.  We are truly global, and addicted citizens.  Imagine losing that feeling for nearly 24 hours!


We have built our lives around the World Wide Web, and become attached to it.  We can't seem to live without constant status updates, Tweets, and gossip.
Take that away, and you have a couple of lost sheep.  Staring at the modem for hours on end, waiting for the green "Internet" light to come on seems downright silly, but the thrill when it finally does is truly enlightening!  


Welcome back, world!