The Final Countdown

We humans are a pretty gullible bunch of people.  We tend to believe myths, stories, and legends like they were real.  Lately, the world has been inundated by prophesies that the world will be ending in December of this year.  From killer comets, to old JC himself making a return visit, the airwaves are abuzz with talk of the end if the world.

Some time back, explorers stumbled across an ancient Mayan stone carving.  They somehow decided it was a calendar, and followed its carvings to a date this December.  After that, there is nothing else.  I have to wonder just how a people who couldn't sustain their own existence, could plan that far into the future.  After all, there sure aren't any Mayans hanging around to ask.  Yet people believe this, to a point.  While there isn't a rush to buy expensive items and not pay for them yet, people tend to put some faith in this theory.  In 2011, we had a California preacher who literally predicted the exact date and  time the world would end.  His followers sold, or gave away all their earthly possessions and traveled the country promoting this idea.  Of course, it failed to happen, and the so called apostles of this nut had to go out and find jobs and start over.  Then the good preacher made up another date and time, which also didn't pan out.  
All the non-Mayan theories  revolve around the idea that the lord will return to earth, and kick the crap out of it  Where the heck he's been for over 2000 years never gets mentioned.  Was he on Mars, or Uranus?  

First off, why in the hell would he come back after what happened to him the first time he was allegedly here.  The story of his death was not a pretty one, given all the good deeds he did for people back then.  It was truly a case of them biting the hand of the one that fed them!

With all the Christian hate spewing believers out there this election year, the second coming has been overshadowed.  They continue to bash President Obama every chance they get, while spouting the 10 suggestions, and holding their guns closer than their bibles.  Obviously, hypocrisy is paramount to their so called "faith".

But what if; what if JC was actually here, and living in the US?  What if people around the world saw him on TV, and the internet, and didn't realize just who they were seeing?  


Let's do a scientific study:
 
JC was bound and determined to help the sick and feed the hungry.
  Check. 
JC had compassion for those that were different than him.
  Check.  
JC didn't have much use for wealthy bankers.
  Check.  
JC was not a Caucasian guy with a beard and long hair, he was more likely of Arabic, or African descent.
  Check.

Comparing the facts from then and now, we must conclude that if the lord is here, then he must be President Obama!  
After all, isn't a national healthcare plan the "Christian" thing to do?  Aren't programs aimed at helping the poor and feeding the children much like what went on 2000 years ago?

Just to be on the safe side, I'm voting for President Obama for a second term.  While he's not 5' 9", (he's actually 6' 1" ) we'll be given at least another four years on earth if he wins, and perhaps more if we help him get things done.  Not to mention, we can laugh at the Mayans and evangelicals some more, and as we all know, laughter is good for us!

War's a'coming...

I have been watching with pleasure, the latest battle between Chevrolet and Ford over just which company has the best, most reliable trucks.  This "war" has been going on since I was young, and shows no signs of stopping any time soon.  My earliest childhood memories were about which brand was the best.  In grade school, we sang the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" with the words:  "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord, he is driving down the mountain in a '57 Ford".  We held those truths to be self-evident.  Of course most of us also believed that the initials FORD meant "Found on Road Dead", or "Fix or Repair Daily".  The banter back and forth was good for numerous conversations over the years.  Then one day the song "American Pie" burst into our lives.  The most blatant line was "I Drove my Chevy to the Levee".  Not, "I drove my Ford to the Fjord"!  It appeared that Chevrolet was fast becoming the symbol of America.  Ford was just another brand , while we sang about "Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet".  The flag was flying, and the colors were Chevy red, white and blue!

Of course, the battle never ended, and both sides would go on to boast about who had the most registered trucks on the road, or whose trucks were still running after years of use.  It appeared to be a semi-friendly battle up until Ford's VP of marketing, Jim Farley, uttered the now-famous words "F*ck GM!  I hate those guys, I hate what they stand for."  Not exactly kind words for a competitor.  Those comments were swept under the rug, and things went on as normal until Chevrolet introduced it's Super Bowl commercial this year.  The ad shows a post-apocalyptic view of an American city.  A fluttering newspaper's headline proclaims "Mayan 2012 Apocalypse", and the scene is of utter destruction.  And then, the camera pans to a pile of rubble, an engine starts, and a Chevrolet truck drives out.  A man and his dog are seemingly unhurt, as they make their way through the devastation.  Finally, they reach an area where there are more Chevrolet trucks gathered.  The driver gets out, and asks "Where's Dave?"  A man replies that Dave didn't drive the most dependable, longest lasting truck, "He drove a Ford"!  The commercial ends with the line: "From the start of your day, to the end of the world, Chevy runs deep!"

Ford's lawyers blew a gasket over this one!  They sent cease and desist letters to not only General Motors, but also to NBC who broadcast the show.  Ford was mad as hell!

So now we must wait for Ford's response to this jab.  What will they do to counter punch?  Will they make their claims even nastier?  All I know is that a little competition makes life interesting, and products better.  I can't wait for Ford's next salvo, and Chevy's after that!  

I suppose it would be unfair to choose sides, but then I did drive my Chevy to the levee, and all over hell's half acre to boot, and it's still running strong.  How about that, Ford?

Reach For It!

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of comments on social networking sites by people who are gun owners.  They trumpet all the things that their state's concealed carry laws would allow them to do, if the need arose.  The really odd thing is that they speak of their guns as if they were a spouse or something.  It's almost like handguns are the new mistress in their lives!  Women too, love their guns, and tend to collect hundreds of rounds of ammunition for them.  These modern day gunslingers won't go anywhere without their weapons.  In fact there was an article in the news last month about the husband and wife in Colorado who are suing the Postal Service for prohibiting firearms on Postal Property.  They claim they should be allowed to bring their guns in when they pick up their mail!  WTF??  Our generation grew up watching Westerns on TV.  Hopalong Cassidy, the Lone Ranger, and Gunsmoke all featured pistol packing characters, who were quick on the draw, and quicker still on the trigger.  Most of us had cap guns to play with as children, and would try and emulate Marshall Dillon, or Ben Cartwright with our slightly slower draw.

I find it interesting that these concealed carry advocates remind me so much of some of the neighborhood kids I grew up with.  They were seldom seen without their trusty sidearm.   They fancied themselves as the next Marshall Dillon, tho they really didn't want to uphold the law, they wanted to impress everyone with their guns.  I have a feeling that these kids grew up to become the concealed carry movement.  They have their guns hidden where, after a short time, they can find them and use them.  My take is that if a person points a gun at you and pulls the trigger, you hardly have time to watch your life pass in front of your eyes, much less draw your gun.  Or better yet, if you see a robber holding up a citizen in a back ally somewhere, pull you trusty pistol and shoot him, you're not a hero, you are a murderer!  There is no reason to parade around with a hidden gun.  If you feel the need to have one, keep it at home.  The police force was hired, (and trained) to uphold the law.  They are the ones here to protect us.  They alone have the training, the knowledge, and experience to stop crime.
If I had my way, people would not be able to conceal pistols on their person, only shotguns.  That way, the surrounding population would know who is armed, and who to stay away from.  A concealed shotgun down a person's trouser leg would send a clear message that a gun is present, and that at any moment, the man, (or woman)  reach down to scratch themselves, and shoot their foot!


The Lone Ranger was a myth, and the "Wild West" has faded into history.  I guess some just won't let that idea go away.  Some want to relive their childhood and still play with guns.  Sadly, they aren't using caps, but live, lethal, ammunition!

The Sanford Syndrome

Growing up in the 1950's meant that, at least for us, we would live a different lifestyle than we constantly saw on TV.  We wouldn't know the joys of a color television until the early 1970's, nor have more than one television, or telephone.  We were the post-war generation, whose parents scrimped and saved to get us to adulthood.  I am reminded of this every time I switch on the television, and see ads for expensive new cars, computers, and electronic gadgets.  While as kids, we saw the ads for the latest things, but remember the ads for things our families could afford.  "See the USA in your Chevrolet" was designed to appeal to our patriotism, and convince us to buy a new car.  For most of our families, that was the impossible dream.  Instead, we watched commercials where the new car dealers tempted us with used cars.  How weird was that? We went to school in hand-me-downs, some of them from acquaintances, some from distant relatives.  
That's the point I'm trying to make here is that most people these days, have to make do with castoffs from the more affluent society.  Our wages just aren't enough to let us live the American dream.  It's kind of sad that the lives that our country promised us, have been replaced by a second-hand lifestyle.  Our wages have never kept up with the cost of living, and inflation has destroyed our buying power.  We can't even afford to stay the same, as prices keep going up.


And so we live our lives with the castoff items of the better off.  It's not just a small percentage of society that does this anymore, either.  It's not like I'm complaining, though.  I'm more than happy to buy used things at estate sales and thrift shops.  In fact, I feel smarter than those folks that paid way too much for an item, just because it was "in" at the time.


In the 1970's, there was a television show called "Sanford and Son".  It was about a junk dealer who dealt in second hand items.  We watched it back then, as young people who had the world by the tail.  We mocked those that would buy something second hand.  There was no limit to what we could earn.  I'm still in awe of the day I received a raise, and actually surpassed my father's income.  There was nothing we couldn't do!
Reality has a way of bitch-slapping you back to earth, though.  By the 1990's, we found that our money didn't go very far anymore.  We found ourselves having to make do with less than perfect things to get by.  We bought used cars, shopped garage sales and flea markets in order to buy what we needed at the lowest price possible.


It's far worse in this new millennium.  Nearly everyone shops the second hand stores and estate sales.  I have found myself in the position of being a "Fred Sanford" myself as of late.  I have been working for an estate sale company selling off the belongings of the deceased and passing along bargains in the process.  There is a certain cachet to doing this.  People tend to seek me out, asking me to be on the lookout for things they need.  I see most of our customers around town, so I am always in contact with them.  If I do find what they want, I'm always willing to negotiate a fair price for it.  This makes everyone happy, as they always know what the price is for a new item.  This is the "second generation American dream", I guess.  We have little chance of buying new, and have to resort to used merchandise.  I just try to make the experience a little more fun.  

We have learned to keep things longer, fix what we have to make it last, and do what it takes to get by in this new economy.  Hand-me-downs aren't so bad anymore, and junk has now become junque for most of us.  I'm sure not complaining, as now I've found my niche in the second hand world.


RIP Fred Sanford, your business is in good hands!

Waiting for Columbus

During the holidays this year, we had the opportunity to have Christmas dinner at my sister and brother-in-law's home.  After a fantastic meal, we settled in to view photos of their recent 17 day cruise from Barcelona Spain to Houston TX.  Considering the fact that I've never even set foot in the ocean, this was an astounding feat!  The cruise took them to the Canary Islands, (named after dogs, not birds).  What's even more amazing is that the house that Christopher Columbus lived in there, is still standing, and looks quite nice after all these years.  We all know the rhyme: "In fourteen-hundred and ninety two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue."  It was lucky for him he didn't wait a year, as we might just be saying: "In fourteen-hundred and Ninety-three, Columbus sank to the bottom of the sea!"  
At any rate, the fact that his home still stands, just as he left it, with all the surrounding houses as well, is simply astonishing.  In fact in many of the photos we saw of Spain, entire towns were just as they were centuries ago, not as tourist attractions, but as every day homes for regular people.

I gave this fact a lot of thought the other day, when there was yet another video on the news of a perfectly good skyscraper being leveled.  You might ask "why"??"  Why to put up another skyscraper, of course!  Tiger Woods's ex-wife is tearing down her multi-million dollar mansion to build, gasp, another mansion!

I cannot understand this throw-away society.  We tear down perfectly good things, in order to build another perfectly good thing, which will also be torn down in a few years.  There was nothing wrong with the old one, it just wasn't as modern, or didn't have the same features as the new one.  Then, we fret over landfill space, due to the constant upgrading of our lives.  
We buy new cars when the ashtray on our old one is full, new electronics when another, newer item arrives, and pursue new lives when the old one isn't prestigious enough.   I suppose it has something to do with being Americans.  We live in the wide open spaces of America (but mostly live in the congested cities),  we tout our independence, (while constantly worrying what others must think), and only preserve our heritage when forced to.  We want a constant stream of newness, and to always be able to "keep up with the Jones"  What ever happened to "the simple life"?
We could just as easily be content with the status we have, and the lives we live.  Instead, we beat ourselves up trying to "get ahead".  Sadly, there is no ahead.  Once that plateau has been reached, people realize that it's not as good as the next one, and the one after that.  The existence can continue as long as the money holds out.  When it doesn't, people are forced to regroup, and rethink their existence.  That old car isn't so bad, that old cell phone won't get you on Facebook, but it will make a phone call!  At some point, you have to wonder what all the fuss is about. 

Columbus had to borrow money from Queen Isabella of Spain to make his journey.  He wasn't a wealthy man, he merely wanted to find a new way to get to India for face to face tech support for his Microsoft product.  He had every intention of returning to his home, and living out his life there.  At no time did he feel like: "I've got my own holiday now, perhaps I need some new digs".  This pragmatic  approach to life should be a lesson for us all.  Give thanks for what you have, and keep it in good shape.  You may never get anything better!
And, most importantly, give thanks that 'ol Christopher decided to take matters into his own hands and find the new world, rather than sit home on the phone, waiting for tech support!

"Adios, Amigos!"

Lately, it seems that more and more people are struggling to come to grips with the issues that affect each of us.  We face a huge debt run up by our former president Bush (AKA The Texas Twit),  a dieing Postal Service (also thanks to the Texas Twit), and illegal immigration.  With another election year on it's way, we have a number of candidates talking about the issues, but none with a real plan to fix any of these problems.  It's sad to see that someone who aspires to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the free world, hasn't a clue about how to bring it back to it's glory.  


As the only person in the nation with a plan to fix all three, I hereby offer this solution:
First off, we must acknowledge the fact that we have over 12 million illegals here, with more sneaking over the border every day.  



Secondly, our nation is pretty much broke thanks to the Texas Twit invading the wrong country after 9/11.    "Mission Accomplished" my ass!  We have wasted trillions of dollars, and countless lives on this fiasco.


Thirdly, the US Post Office Department was given life in article 10 of the US constitution.   The idea that it must be killed off for the good of the nation flies in the face of reason.  The Postal Service delivers needed communications, while the congress merely sits around and acts like a bunch of children!


I have an idea to right these wrongs, a plan to fix all three in one fell swoop!

First, we notify each and every illegal resident here that we insist that they immigrate legally, or leave the country.  The Postal Service would convey this demand via Registered Mail (postage due, of course).  This would enrich the coffers of our national mail service.


After a short waiting period, the remaining illegal residents would be rounded up, and taken to holding areas.  During this time, giant catapults would be built along the US-Mexican border.  After careful review, I have found that Arizona and California would not be a good state to set up in.  The same goes for New Mexico, as the first illegal aliens from space landed here.  These visitors brought technology unknown in the 1940's resulting in the birth of spray cheese, beer nuts, and Doritos.  We could not minimize their contribution to our culture by putting catapults here.  No, the proper state would be Texas, with the longest border strip.


Now in order to bail out the treasury, the US would enlist the aid of the Las Vegas bookies  A virtual grid would be superimposed on the Mexican side of the border, and live firings would go on day and night.  The illegal would first be given a parachute to ensure a safe landing, and that same 'chute would be made of an edible fabric.  Land and eat, amigo!  Bookies would set odds on where the illegal might land, with the US getting 50% of the profits.  It could become the next national past time, with millions of wagers and the entire nation watching on Pay-Per-View!  
Yet another reason to chose Texas is that with the insane amount of guns in the state, it's always possible that perhaps one of the citizens might shoot an illegal out of the sky, upping the odds for someone who bet on an alternate square square.


So you see, three problems solved at once!  What other candidate thinks this deep, and finds answers?



Adios Pedro, and happy landings!

Enough Already!

The news this morning had yet another story about Tim Tebow, the Denver Bronco's quarterback who seemingly is known more for his praying than his playing.  The national press has bombarded us with photos of Tebow down on one knee giving thanks to the guy upstairs for letting him complete a touchdown pass or other such nonsense.  Are we then to assume that the big guy is a Broncos fan?  That's sort of favoritism, isn't it?  I would think that the Green Bay Packers would be more to a deity's liking.  The thought that Vince Lombardi wouldn't have some sort of influence on holy fandom is just ridiculous!  

This whole idea of thanking an imaginary person for "helping" you do something you actually did yourself had gotten out of control.  From the Emmy Awards, to the Oscars, to the Grammys, performers and artists thank Jesus for their good fortune.  Does anyone really think that a higher power helped them remember their lines in a movie, or look like a cool gang-banger is a music video?  This is just nuts, and it's getting worse by the week.
Watch a NASCAR race sometime, and you'll wonder if you are in church.  The long invocation each race begins with is unneeded.  The Lord doesn't care if anyone wins the race or not, he has no money on it, nor does he have his own track.  He does sponsor one car sometimes, at least that's what the graphics on it suggest.  However, I don't think Jesus is in the stands wearing a mullet and a #3 jersey sipping beers, and eating brats.  Nor does he drive his motor home to the track's infield to do a bit of tailgating before the race!  

Religion is just fine, as long as you keep it to yourself.  Believe what you want, but don't make a big production out of it.  Think about the outrage if a Muslim player did the same thing as Tebow does.  People would be rioting in the stands!  You can bet the news media wouldn't replay the video over and over either.  Personally, I would like to see a pagan quarterback make a great play, and then sacrifice a goat afterwards!  Now that woulds be some fine TV!

The bottom line is that you're successful on your own.
No higher power does stuff for you, you've got to do it yourself.  Sadly, if you screw up, there's no one to blame for that either.  You're on your own in this life!  Let's tone this whole thing down a bit. Because if we don't, one day we'll be watching the green flag drop at a NASCAR race and Darryl Waltrip will be encouraging drivers to "reach up and pull those bible belts tight, boys"!
Boogity, boogity, boogity, let's go prayin'!