Friday, December 2, 2011

A Thanksgiving Christmas

Several posts ago, I related the story of the first Thanksgiving, and I kind of left the readers hanging.  I thought I'd follow up with the rest of the story:

    Flash back to just after the first  Thanksgiving...

Victoria Secret is still running her bordello, and Snookie, jilted wife of Miles Standoffish, has joined  the business.  Snookie brings in a lot of wampum, and business is booming.  The new world has indeed been good to Miss Secret!

Meanwhile, across the pond, a gathering takes place in an old German pub.  Father Christmas, St. Nick, and Kris Kringle are huddled together in a hastily called meeting.  It seems that there are not enough of them to serve Europe, and the newly founded nation, and none of them want to add a strange new land to their routes.  There was no easy answer to this dilemma, and they argued long into the night.   Suddenly, the door burst open, and in staggered a huge, drunk German man named Klaus.  The obnoxious man pestered the men for spare change to buy more to drink.  His unrelenting ranting finally gave them an idea!  Why not send this lout to the new land to represent them?  If he meets an untimely end, then they know it wasn't safe there in the first place. They asked his name, and he replied "Klaus".  As they were also a bit tipsy, they heard it as "Claus".  Father Christmas asked: "Claus, would you like a job where you can make enough to keep you liquored up?"  Klaus straightened up and looked at them, and replied "JA!"  Kris Kringle then said "I proclaim you Santa Claus", and they proceeded to pack him off to the new land.

When the newly appointed "Santa" arrived, he found no evidence of any taverns, bars or pubs.  What's worse, he had been given a one way ticket!  He was marooned in a strange land.  Luckily for him, he discovered Victoria Secret's bordello, and went to pay a visit.

"I come down your chimney and leave you toys" shouted Claus.  "No, you come through the door like everyone else and leave your money" yelled Victoria.
Santa was not to be deterred. However many of the young braves who were there for Snookie, were repulsed at the sight of a 300+ pound naked fat guy chasing poor Victoria around the parlor.  Finally, Claus gave up, put his red suit back on, and left, falling asleep under a nearby tree.

That night, Victoria prayed for an intervention from above.  She couldn't have this lout ruining her business!  All at once, there was a flash of blinding light, and suddenly, a dozen short men stood before her.  "We are the Elve Apostles, and we are here to help you out.  There will be a hearing tomorrow, and we will decide the fate of this Santa Claus person".

While it appeared that the Elve Apostles were smiling at their intervention, they were really smiling at the fact that Victoria was wearing a very short nighty.  "Piss off you little pervs" yelled Victoria, "I'll see you tomorrow!"

The next day, the meting convened in a lodge building donated by Chief Justice.  The Elve Apostles argued back and forth over what to do with the jolly old sot.  Towards the end of the day, they are hopelessly deadlocked, six for leaving him here, and six for sending him back home.  "We need a tie-breaker cried the first Elf"  "There is just no way we can decide this!"
Suddenly, the lights in the room dimmed until it was totally dark.  Then a spotlight appeared, sweeping around the room, finally stopping and illuminating a lone figure.  He was an Elf like the others, yet quite different.  As he strode up to the podium, the spotlight made the rhinestones on his cape and jumpsuit sparkle.  The crowded lodge broke into applause, while Snookie and Victoria swooned.

"Thank you, thank you very much" he said, as he peered over his wrap-around sunglasses.  "I'm here to take care of business!"  "I have made a decision, and you will no longer have to deal with this man."  "I am condemning him to life at the North Pole, until such time as he can be properly exploited and capitalized upon."  "One day, he will become a cash cow for corporations, and bring millions of people the joy that comes with the burden of massive debt."  "He will be packaged, promoted, and pimped across the land!"  
With that, the thirteenth elf vanished, leaving the room in a flash of light.  As he was being led away, Klaus (or Claus) stared at his accuser pointing a finger at her yelling "HO, HO, HO!"  Victoria smiled back, confident that her "business" would rebound after getting rid of the old fat guy.

So from that day forward, the American Santa has lived at the North Pole, and of course, the rest is history.
However, don't you wonder just who that thirteenth elf was...not even a little....?

Why it was Elf-vis, of course!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


We have just emerged from a near 24 hour Internet outage here.  I'd love to say we came through unscathed, but that's hardly the case.  It's like your train leaving from the station, as you watch it go.  Funny how the entire world has evolved to embrace the technology.

Our ancestors pretty much lived and died within 25 miles of the place they were born.  News from afar came in the form of letters from family members, or the local newspaper.  Knowledge of happenings overseas was unheard of, and keeping up with the family meant a letter every year or so.

Things began to change with the invention of the radio, and eventually television.  Yet, these were still passive devices.  You were presented with programs that purported to be factual, but you never knew if it was indeed true.  None the less, you were in touch with the whole world around you...the world just didn't know you were there.

With the advent of the personal computer, came new hardware to connect to others.  Modems enabled you to subscribe to "Bulletin Boards" in other cities via the phone lines, and learn about other people's lives, thoughts and desires.  Still, it was a one way street.  If you posted something, you had to wait for someone to log on, read it, and reply.

The Commodore computer opened an entirely new chapter with the advent of Q-Link, a new computer service.  With this program, you were able to chat LIVE with people around the nation!  You could play games, trade recipes, or just keep up with your new found friends lives. 
This amazing breakthrough went on to become AOL, which still exists today.

AOL brought us the fledgeling Internet.  I'll never forget getting goosebumps as I passed through the so called "Internet Gateway" and merged onto the Information Superhighway!  Lewis and Clark couldn't have been prouder of their discovery!  I went to places I never imagined I'd visit, and saw things that I never thought I'd see.  With the Internet, I became a citizen of the world.

30 years later, the Internet is woven into the fabric of our lives.  We check E-Mail countless times a day, Tweet when we're down (or up for that matter), play games with people thousands of miles away, and share our lives with friends and family.  They are available to us 24/7, and we cherish every moment!  We meet people who share our interests, and become friends.  We are actually able to "talk" to local celebrities, just as if they were family.  We receive news as it happens, from multiple sources.  We are truly global, and addicted citizens.  Imagine losing that feeling for nearly 24 hours!

We have built our lives around the World Wide Web, and become attached to it.  We can't seem to live without constant status updates, Tweets, and gossip.
Take that away, and you have a couple of lost sheep.  Staring at the modem for hours on end, waiting for the green "Internet" light to come on seems downright silly, but the thrill when it finally does is truly enlightening!  

Welcome back, world!