Saturday, August 3, 2013

In The News.......

Dateline Alaska....

I stand gazing out at one of the State's proudest accomplishmentsI-0, commonly known as "The Highway to Nowhere"  A 213 7\8 mile 4 lane divided highway, stretching from the middle of Obscure Lake, all the way to a point in the Tundra 109 miles from the tiny settlement of Dung.  The road has no interchanges, no on or off ramps, only rest areas.  It was ordered, and completed, during Sarah Palin's time as Alaska's governor.  

I'm here today at one of the many rest stop\shooting ranges, this one known as the "Shoot and Shit", to hear Palin launch her exploratory committee for a run for State Senator.  

"I'd like to thank you all for coming out today" she shouted to the dense crowd of about 8 people and dogs.  "I'm here to see if I want to run for senator of this great state!"  "You remember me as your governor, and all the great things I did."   "That's why I was chosen to be almost president of this country."  She continued;  "For example, look at this beautiful highway behind us.  No cars or trucks on it to get it dirty, no oil drips from vehicles to mar it's beauty", she added.  "Just 4 lanes of beautiful concrete cutting a swath through our great State."  "I can imagine those Ruskies looking over here and marveling at my accomplishments, and my beautiful highway!"  Just then, someone in the crowd yelled "What about Canada?"  "I don't care about that state", she shot back.  "That state can do anything it wants, but it can't top our Alaska!"  "That's why our state's star is at the center of all the others on the flag, shining the brightest."

"And so I'm here today, to ask you to give all you can and more, to help me finance my exploratory bid for the Senate."  "Exploritatin' doesn't come cheap, as that Lewis and Clarkson guys found out when they discovered the Rocky Mountains."  "They had to spend a fortune on guns, and people to carry them around."  "So please dig deep and give more than you can afford, so I can be your Senator and support Bristol before she gets knocked up again!"

A smattering of applause greeted her as she stepped down from the hastily built podium.  Just then, a family of moose sauntered across the highway, oblivious to the goings on just beyond them.  Palin whipped out her NRA mandated, conceal-carried bazooka, aimed, and fired.  In an instant, the highway was littered with blood, flesh, and more blood.  "Lunch is on me", she yelled, "As soon as you all clean up that mess on my road!"