Sunday, September 5, 2010

"Who's Your Deity?"

I was working around the house today, painting the back door, and giving life a lot of thought. Since it was Sunday and all, my mind turned to religion, and to who would be best at being a deity. I settled on two; "The Big Guy Upstairs", and Santa Claus.
To start with, they're both fictional beings, possessing magic powers. I decided to run a comparison of the both of them and see who might win.
First off, they both have the ability to see you at all times (Even when you're sleeping), and know every aspect of your life.
Advantage: Neither.
Second, they both keep lists of who's naughty and nice. Only Santa will still bring you stuff even though you haven't been on your best behavior (and I can personally attest to this!).
Advantage: Santa.
Thirdly, God is everywhere, while Santa hangs at the North Pole 364 days a year. However, Santa has Mrs. Claus around, and she's always dressed in red leather and fur.
Once again, advantage: Santa
And now for the heavy stuff; While both know if you've been good or not, at least Santa cares one way or the other. The big guy claims to care about you, but won't hesitate to throw you in front of a speeding truck just for fun. Just how is that affection? Religious people will say it's just God calling you shit? My mother used to call me home for supper every night, and never once threw me in front of a truck (although I'll bet she did entertain the idea a few times). And what about this business of smiting people? That's not very loving, is it?
Sometimes you get smitten (or is that smote?) and live to tell about it and go on and do the same thing again. I'd have to borrow a phrase from a Great White song (a band famous for their pyrotecnics, rather than their music) and say "Once smitten, twice shy".
And so in the end, we have to give the win to Santa, for being the best deity, and for not whacking people just for fun.
Sorry big guy, but you need to take an anger management course!

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