Friday, October 29, 2010

Who's your deity, part two

When I first came up with the idea of a challenge to see who was the best deity, Santa Claus won hands down. However, since the "Big Guy" has a posse to follow him around, I thought I'd do a piece on one of it's members. The obvious choice since Halloween is nearly at hand would have been the Holy Ghost, but I instead chose 'ol JC himself. The fact that he's always alleged to be "coming back soon" just seems to good to pass up.

However, suppose he's already been here, experienced the changes in the world over the past 2000 years, got disgusted and left? I can see it all now..............

(Cue the Wayback Machine, and set it for 1977!)

We see a lone, scruffy bearded man dressed in a toga and sandals wandering the Sunset Strip in LA. He looks bewildered at the way things have changed. In fact his just standing there has drawn the attention of a talent coordinator for a current television show. The talent scout walks up and introduces himself. "Got any talent, or anything else you'd like to share with the entire nation?" he asks. "Why yes, I do" admits JC. "You'd be perfect for a show in production right now" says the scout "want to be on it?" In a few moments, he's given an adress and a time to appear at the show's production facility.

As he enters the building, he can hear a band playing, and a rather loud, boisterous audience. He gravitates towards the sound, when he's accosted by the show's producer. "Thank God you're here, we needed a last minute act" said the producer. "Dad set this up?" thought JC. The producer had him stand just offstage and wait for his cue.

He was astounded by what he saw. He could see the man called "Chucky Baby" by everyone, as well as a huge golden colored gong. In front of the gong there was a woman sitting between two men. Reading the placards in front of them, he discovered the little man on the left was Artie Johnson, the woman was J. P. Morgan, and the fellow on the right was Jamie Farr. They seemed to be having a great time! He thought "what an odd way to get my message across". At that moment, the producer says "You're on"! JC was happy he had prepared for this moment; he was going to wow the crowd he thought.

As the curtain rises, we watch the scene unfold:

Chucky: "Here's a guy we found wandering on the street..he's five feet nine, and ain't he divine, let's have a big round of applause for Hey-zuess Christ!"

JC: "No, it's Gee-sus"

Chucky: "I'll mention that to my Mexican gardener! But seriously, what are you going to do for us today?"

JC: "Well I thought I'd do a little miracle for you"

Chucky: "Can you make Jamie's nose a little smaller?"

Farr: Flips Chucky the bird

JC: "Well, I thought I'd repeat my "loaves and fishes" miracle I did a few thousand years ago"

Chucky: "OK, Take it away!"

JC: "As you can see, there's nothing up my sleeve"

J. P. Morgan "I want to see what's under that toga!"

JC, flustered: "um...I have a goldfish in this hand and a bagel in the other, and when I say the magic words, I'm going to make them big enough to feed the entire audience"

J. P. Morgan lifting her shirt "Can you make these bigger?"

JC, now clearly flustered: " just dropped my goldfish!"

Artie: "By the look on your face, I think you dropped it down your shorts!"

JC looks clearly flustered now, as Jamie Farr smacks the gong.

The band strikes up, and as Chucky comes over to console him, JC stammers "WAIT, WAIT", but it's too late, as "Gene Gene the Dancing Machine" crowds him off the stage.

He leaves the studio, consolation prize in hand. "Perhaps I should wait a little longer, until people here mature a little", he thinks to himself. "These folks are just plain crazy!" "Perhaps I'll come back in a few years, and meet with the smartest man in the country!"

(Cue the Wayback Machine, and set it for 2002!)

We find JC at the White House, standing in the Oval Office.
JC: "If this is the White House, and you are the president, you must be the smartest man in the country! What did you say your name was again?"
The Prez: "Um, George Bush."
JC: "Oh Shit, perhaps I should wait another 2000 years and see if things get any dumber!"

And so you see, that's the way it really happened. He came, he saw, and he said "screw it!"

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