Friday, October 29, 2010

Who's your deity, part two

When I first came up with the idea of a challenge to see who was the best deity, Santa Claus won hands down. However, since the "Big Guy" has a posse to follow him around, I thought I'd do a piece on one of it's members. The obvious choice since Halloween is nearly at hand would have been the Holy Ghost, but I instead chose 'ol JC himself. The fact that he's always alleged to be "coming back soon" just seems to good to pass up.

However, suppose he's already been here, experienced the changes in the world over the past 2000 years, got disgusted and left? I can see it all now..............

(Cue the Wayback Machine, and set it for 1977!)

We see a lone, scruffy bearded man dressed in a toga and sandals wandering the Sunset Strip in LA. He looks bewildered at the way things have changed. In fact his just standing there has drawn the attention of a talent coordinator for a current television show. The talent scout walks up and introduces himself. "Got any talent, or anything else you'd like to share with the entire nation?" he asks. "Why yes, I do" admits JC. "You'd be perfect for a show in production right now" says the scout "want to be on it?" In a few moments, he's given an adress and a time to appear at the show's production facility.

As he enters the building, he can hear a band playing, and a rather loud, boisterous audience. He gravitates towards the sound, when he's accosted by the show's producer. "Thank God you're here, we needed a last minute act" said the producer. "Dad set this up?" thought JC. The producer had him stand just offstage and wait for his cue.

He was astounded by what he saw. He could see the man called "Chucky Baby" by everyone, as well as a huge golden colored gong. In front of the gong there was a woman sitting between two men. Reading the placards in front of them, he discovered the little man on the left was Artie Johnson, the woman was J. P. Morgan, and the fellow on the right was Jamie Farr. They seemed to be having a great time! He thought "what an odd way to get my message across". At that moment, the producer says "You're on"! JC was happy he had prepared for this moment; he was going to wow the crowd he thought.

As the curtain rises, we watch the scene unfold:

Chucky: "Here's a guy we found wandering on the street..he's five feet nine, and ain't he divine, let's have a big round of applause for Hey-zuess Christ!"

JC: "No, it's Gee-sus"

Chucky: "I'll mention that to my Mexican gardener! But seriously, what are you going to do for us today?"

JC: "Well I thought I'd do a little miracle for you"

Chucky: "Can you make Jamie's nose a little smaller?"

Farr: Flips Chucky the bird

JC: "Well, I thought I'd repeat my "loaves and fishes" miracle I did a few thousand years ago"

Chucky: "OK, Take it away!"

JC: "As you can see, there's nothing up my sleeve"

J. P. Morgan "I want to see what's under that toga!"

JC, flustered: "um...I have a goldfish in this hand and a bagel in the other, and when I say the magic words, I'm going to make them big enough to feed the entire audience"

J. P. Morgan lifting her shirt "Can you make these bigger?"

JC, now clearly flustered: " just dropped my goldfish!"

Artie: "By the look on your face, I think you dropped it down your shorts!"

JC looks clearly flustered now, as Jamie Farr smacks the gong.

The band strikes up, and as Chucky comes over to console him, JC stammers "WAIT, WAIT", but it's too late, as "Gene Gene the Dancing Machine" crowds him off the stage.

He leaves the studio, consolation prize in hand. "Perhaps I should wait a little longer, until people here mature a little", he thinks to himself. "These folks are just plain crazy!" "Perhaps I'll come back in a few years, and meet with the smartest man in the country!"

(Cue the Wayback Machine, and set it for 2002!)

We find JC at the White House, standing in the Oval Office.
JC: "If this is the White House, and you are the president, you must be the smartest man in the country! What did you say your name was again?"
The Prez: "Um, George Bush."
JC: "Oh Shit, perhaps I should wait another 2000 years and see if things get any dumber!"

And so you see, that's the way it really happened. He came, he saw, and he said "screw it!"

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Constitutional Consternation

Over 200 years ago, a group of insurgents took control of a fledgling nation. These terrorists sought to block commerce, and by doing so, cripple the rulers in power. These thugs had the audacity to invade a harbor, and throw the contents of a merchant ship into the water. Who were these unlawful, unruly reprobates? Well, they were our forefathers! Yes, the very activities we find disturbing today, brought forth a new nation in their time.

The "Boston Tea Party" put the British on notice that the Patriots were "Mad as hell, and they weren't gonna take it any more"! A far cry from today's whining losers who offer the nation nothing but sour grapes over losing the last election. What could be more patriotic than what our ancestors did? They drew a line in the sand, and said "if you cross this line, your ass is grass", whereas today's "Tea-Baggers" just toss around the word "Socialist" and question the President's birth certificate. I guess a lot has changed in 200 years.

Times were different back then, the Declaration of Independence was put forth, and from that point, there was no going back. We had declared ourselves a new nation, and had Constitutional convention to form the foundation of our nation. Of course looking online at the liquor order for the event, you would have thought is was to be a bachelor party for about 500 people! We don't know how many strippers they hired, but methinks they were too drunk to have noticed them anyhow.

At any rate, the convention ended, after the constitution was signed (judging by the size of his signature, I believe John Hancock supplied the booze, and possibly the strippers), and a "Bill of Rights" was introduced.
While the Constitution itself covered the formation of government, the Amendments (bill of rights) covered stuff concerning the population at large. The Amendments to the Constitution (the bill) were written plainly and simply with no need for interpretation.

And here's where this post is going; the framers of the Constitution saw things 200+ years ago, and wrote the laws to reflect them. They were not able to see into the future, and would be scared to death if they were! The Amendments were clear cut, and precise.
Take for example the Second Amendment: " A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed". This means that the people of the nation had the right to keep arms that existed at the time the bill was written, mostly flintlocks and muskets. It certainly didn't mention AK-47's, Uzis and the like.

Thanks to many people's misreading of the bill, we now have people with more powerful weapons than law enforcement. I don't think that the signers would have appreciated their bill being taken out of context like that! The entire thing was written to be understood, and obeyed by the people of the day. There was no "wiggle room" written in, so it should be followed to the letter, in the spirit it was written.

The current Tea Party mantra misconstrues what was written years ago, twists the meanings, and uses it to strike fear in the hearts of their followers. "The government wants to take your guns away" they shriek, or "We're a Christian nation according to the First amendment"! Gradually, these untruths, and others become accepted "facts" and the whole meaning of the law is changed.

For them to call themselves "Patriots" is just crap. These people could care less about the people they purport to represent, and just want attention, and of course money. The poster child for the movement is one who craves the most attention: Sarah Palin. Given the choice between listening to, and looking at Palin, and Alfred E Neuman, Alf gets my vote every time.

So let's all follow the Constitution to the letter, and stop trying to second guess our forefathers. Ignore the pleadings of the Tea-Baggers to move the country backwards to the Bush Era, and most of all, ignore Sarah Palin! Every time I see her on television, I hear the late Dean Martin crooning one of his best songs: "That's Amore", only with different words:

Sing along, won't you?

"When the Party of Tea tells me Palin's for me, that's a moron,
Husband works for BP, they live comfortably, she's a moron"

I imagine that or forefathers agree.