Friday, February 25, 2011

Covert Oops

Rumors are rampant on the Internet, concerning all manner of Government subjugation of the people, and establishment of a "New World Order" All these ideas usually make their way to YouTube, where they are presented as "facts". Years ago, people who dreamed up weird things like this were considered to be paranoid, and isolated from the real world. Now thanks to the Internet, they have found fellowship with all the other kooks, loons, and schizoids out there!

We hear talk of the HARRP radio array in Alaska being used for mind control, and also to force an earthquake along the New Madrid fault. Why, would the government do this? The kooks blame "The New World Order" for all of this and more. They fear a takeover is in the offing, and we will all become slaves, or subjugated in some way. Of course this has about the same chance of happening as a rabid unicorn from space eating all your Cheetos, but they believe!

In the interest of debunking this nonsense, I decided to use my Government clearance to get deep inside the issue. What I have found is shocking!
Super secret documents have been passed to me via packages of "Quick He Leaks"tm male undergarments. The Federal has been using male incontinence products innocently stocked on store shelves to pass on information. Microfilm, and computer chips are inserted into the packages by spies, and then the undergarments are purchased by other agents made up to look like older males. I recently purchased several of these packages, disguised as an older male, and obtained the documents from them. Rather than discarding the surrounding product, I have found them great for soaking up oil leaks under my pickup. It took thousands of hours to sift through the information, but I will boil it all down to a few paragraphs.

The H.A.R.R.P. array was not built by the U.S, but by the New World Order. It was designed to communicate with the Massive Orbital Radiation Optimization Network (MORON) satellites orbiting above the US. They are thought to cause widespread unrest, and to have triggered uprisings in Egypt, Libya, and Madison Wisconsin. The front group for all of this is the T.E.A. (Terroristic European Alliance) Party. Long known for their thought control tactics, they have expanded their efforts through the use of chemicals in jet contrails (ICE or Intelligence Cancelling Emollients), while the M.O.R.O.N. network beams down mind altering waves from above. Coincidentally, the satellites use the same frequency as the Fox News Network. The TEA Party works in close contact with the network, in fact supplying them with personnel.

The second prong of this attack on America is the use of automatons that mingle with the general public, repeating their masters words. These automatons, built by the Mackenzie brothers in their labs on the grounds of the Elsinore Brewery in Canada, have already been put in place. The first test of one of their creations actually was elected President! B.U.S.H. (Bureaucratic Unpopular Sub-Human) went on to set the machinery in motion to welcome the next creation. This new automaton was crafted from electronics, bionics, and moose droppings and code named Sarah.This second effort was coined the G.U.M.P. project, or "Government Undermining Mechanical Portrayal"
As the campaign broadens, GUMP and TEA will continue to deceive Americans, and turn them against each other. From secret bunkers in Alaska, they will trigger massive earthquakes in the New Madrid and other fault zones, killing millions.
After triggering the super volcano in Yellowstone, the remaining citizens will be rounded up, and forced into slave labor camps. Only the wealthiest will be protected from the TEA.

There is good news though, the Federal Government has a plan in place to stop this before it gets too far. It's already in effect here and officials are confident that the TEA and GUMP will fail, and that Americans will be once again safe from mind control tactics. The program is called "OBAMA" which is short for "Oh Boy, A Magnificent American". OBAMA will return America to the middle class, and destroy the New World Order. The GUMP eventually is thought to be considering a new reality show, and steps are being taken to keep this from happening.

Let's hear it for the good guys!!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Bowl Me Over

The "Super Bowl", one of the most hyped sporting events ever imagined, takes place tonight. The frenzy has been building for weeks now, first with the playoffs for a chance to play in the game, and then with the hundreds of news reporters filling the city where the game will be held, in this case, Arlington Texas. There are news reports on the teams, and the individual players, and then reports on the commercials that will air during the broadcast, and that folks, is the giveaway. This isn't a football game, it's a cash cow! For example, look at the cost of tickets on the street right now. People wouldn't hesitate to spend $2000 for a single ticket to the big game in a distant city, but would never pay anything close to watch their team play at home. All the hype makes this worth it. I suppose a chance to get drunk in the stands while millions of television viewers look on is just too good to pass up.

But the real hook here is the money to be made. The Super Bowl hasn't always existed. The first game was played in 1967 at the Los Angeles Coliseum featuring the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs. The Packers went on to win it in front of a less than sellout crowd by a score of 35-10. The die was cast for the future! The hype machine went into full production mode, and over the years, has resulted in millions in revenue for the league, advertisers, teams, and players.

But is this really a "Super Bowl"? Are teams from beyond our borders ever considered? Much like the "World Series", only American teams are able to play. This makes the whole idea of the game seem sort of patriotic, and buying the endless stream of products pitched at you during the course of the telecast, seem like your duty. Somehow, you're considered to be some sort of anarchist if you're not sitting there watching the game with a Bud in one hand, and the other hand in a bag of Doritos, while bragging about your new GoDaddy account. It's not about the football, it's about the Benjamins!

NASCAR has the same thing going on, but in reverse. The "Season Opener" is held just after the Super Bowl, at the Daytona International Speedway. The media buzz for this event begins just after the last race of the previous season. All the hype, the endless commercials are there, but with a different formula. Instead of a fan having a home team, attending the games, and being loyal to that team only, NASCAR fans have a driver they follow, and often attend the race at different venues across the country. This way the cash gets spread around to different track owners, vendors, and even different cities. NASCASH oops, I meant NASCAR has used the same formula for the hype, but a different formula to chose the winner. Instead of just winning a game, or in this case a race, they have instituted a points system, where drivers are given points for everything from leading a lap, to leading the most laps, to not soiling themselves after a big wreck. After a nearly full season, the top 12 drivers lose their points, and start over, completing 10 more races to finally chose a winner. It is possible to never win a race, but win the championship! WTF? Is this competition? No, of course not, it's marketing!

In the end, there is always a winner, and the glory that goes with it. A nice Super Bowl ring, or NASCAR trophy are tangible reminders of victory, but to the owners, leagues, and advertisers, it doesn't really matter who wins, it matter who pays! Sad, ain't it?

So who do you like in today's Lingerie Bowl?