Forward, Into the Past!

Imagine, if you will, going back into the past, to your high school speech class, and giving a speech on life as we know it today. I've had this dream (or nightmare) a number of times now, and I can't imagine how our classmates would have reacted to life in the 21st century.

For starters, some of my classmates in 1964 didn't live to see their 21st birthday. The Vietnam "War" was raging, and at least a few of my fellow classmates succumbed to injuries received there. Many a good, decent person was caught up in this police action (or war, if you will) and paid the ultimate price.

But enough of these depressing thoughts, what would the class of 1966 think after hearing about the future?

So much has changed in the world since then, and describing these changes would leave our former selves in a tizzy!

From the breakup of the Beatles, and the deaths of John and George, the world of music has changed fast.
First Disco reared it's ugly head, and then music died as we know it thanks to the ghetto rap music. The towns we knew turned into war zones, with people moving away in fear. Our culture and values were under assault since our graduation. We were among the minority now, fleeing the crime usually associated with "those areas". We were ground zero in the changing landscape!

Imagine telling classmates that there were no more Plymouths, Pontiacs, Studebakers, or Oldsmobiles in the new car showrooms. Or telling our peers that there would be mandates as to what had to be included in a new car. From 5mph bumpers, to the ignition switch being moved from the dashboard to the steering column, to the plethora of airbags we have to deal with today. Think about trying to convince our friends that someday, cars won't have carburetors, hardtops won't exist, and that the average new car will cost double the price of a brand new home!
Fun will be frowned upon, and we will all drive bland but efficient cars, that in no way make us cool.

Imagine trying to explain air travel in the 21st century! The scans, searches, and pat-downs make it look like we're living in a police state!

But yet, there was an upside to the future....the computer! As circuits and components got smaller and smaller, computer aided devices multiplied. Imagine the looks on those 1964 faces when we whipped out a cell phone to show them that it not only made telephone calls, but took photos and movies as well! What must the young people of 1964 think upon seeing this marvel, and upon hearing that cars, homes, and even toasters now contain computers? It still boggles my mind even to this day!

Yes, we live in some amazing times, where marvels that were unimaginable 40 years ago, are commonplace now. We live longer, better (supposedly) and more productive lives thanks to modern science. To someone from 1964, this must look like Utopia!


On the other hand, in 1964, Sarah Palin hadn't been born yet................

My hat's in the Ring....Again!

I've just learned that the Postmaster General of the United States, John Potter is retiring. Since 1967, I have offered my services as a replacement PMG, and have never been chosen. Perhaps now is the time! The Postal Service (formerly the United States Post Office Department) has been adrift for some time now in a sea of debt, slowing revenue, and poor planning.

I would offer a number of changes if given the chance, and if I couldn't save the USPS, I would at least let it die in a dignified manner.

First off, the "Quasi-governmental" period must end. Quasi anything is just plain stupid, unless you are a bell ringing hunchback. The Post Office was brought to life over 200 years ago as a department of the United States Government, and it should be returned to that status. What used to be a proud job, garnering envy from friends and neighbors, has turned into a joke. The mailman (or woman) appeared every day like clockwork, bringing not only the day's mail, but neighborhood news and gossip as well. They knew every member of the family since they stayed on the same route for years. They were dependable as well as honest and were the true ambassadors of the U S Government.

Carriers now are forced to rush through the overburdened routes, no longer allowed to walk on sidewalks, instead, forced to wear a path on your lawn. Due to the constant cutbacks of employees, they are forced to take parts of other routes when there is a sick call or vacation. No one knows anymore when the mail will arrive, nor who will bring it, or worse yet whose mail you will receive!

When I'm PMG, I will ensure that we are fully embraced (and funded) by the federal government and that we are equals with all other branches. No more quasi anything for us! I would remove the many layers of managers, micro-managers, and other unnecessary positions that don't have a hand in moving the mail. The people eliminated would be excessed to offices needing substitute carriers, or clerks. Their pay would be the same as their fellow workers, and they would be held to the same standards.

I would insist all carriers use the sidewalk and respect the property of their patrons. I would order that they be given enough time to not only complete the route, but to polish the reputation that we lost years ago. It's time we regained the trust the public used to have in us!

Distribution Clerks would revert to being clerk-carriers once again. There isn't enough work for an 8 hour day, so they could fill in as substitutes as well.

Supervisors, especially delivery supervisors would be freed from the continuous data entry into DOIS. DSIS, and all the other time wasting programs they do now. They will instead walk the floor and observe how both crafts are completing their assignments, offering encouragement, and help if necessary. Threats, scoldings, and humiliation would be prohibited, and lead to suspension.

The Window supervisor would ensure there was always enough staff on hand to provide service in a timely manner. There should never be only one clerk at the window at any given time, nor should any of the window personnel take a break while customers are still in the building. New products must be developed to generate revenue, and no limit should be put on earnings.

So there you have it, my manifesto for fixing the current mess.
I'm available to start right away, and my first change would be to move Headquarters to here in Mountain Home Arkansas. We will hold meetings on a rented houseboat whenever possible, and business attire would be prohibited!
Please, bring your own fishing poles and beer!

Who's your deity, part two

When I first came up with the idea of a challenge to see who was the best deity, Santa Claus won hands down. However, since the "Big Guy" has a posse to follow him around, I thought I'd do a piece on one of it's members. The obvious choice since Halloween is nearly at hand would have been the Holy Ghost, but I instead chose 'ol JC himself. The fact that he's always alleged to be "coming back soon" just seems to good to pass up.

However, suppose he's already been here, experienced the changes in the world over the past 2000 years, got disgusted and left? I can see it all now..............

(Cue the Wayback Machine, and set it for 1977!)


We see a lone, scruffy bearded man dressed in a toga and sandals wandering the Sunset Strip in LA. He looks bewildered at the way things have changed. In fact his just standing there has drawn the attention of a talent coordinator for a current television show. The talent scout walks up and introduces himself. "Got any talent, or anything else you'd like to share with the entire nation?" he asks. "Why yes, I do" admits JC. "You'd be perfect for a show in production right now" says the scout "want to be on it?" In a few moments, he's given an adress and a time to appear at the show's production facility.

As he enters the building, he can hear a band playing, and a rather loud, boisterous audience. He gravitates towards the sound, when he's accosted by the show's producer. "Thank God you're here, we needed a last minute act" said the producer. "Dad set this up?" thought JC. The producer had him stand just offstage and wait for his cue.

He was astounded by what he saw. He could see the man called "Chucky Baby" by everyone, as well as a huge golden colored gong. In front of the gong there was a woman sitting between two men. Reading the placards in front of them, he discovered the little man on the left was Artie Johnson, the woman was J. P. Morgan, and the fellow on the right was Jamie Farr. They seemed to be having a great time! He thought "what an odd way to get my message across". At that moment, the producer says "You're on"! JC was happy he had prepared for this moment; he was going to wow the crowd he thought.

As the curtain rises, we watch the scene unfold:

Chucky: "Here's a guy we found wandering on the street..he's five feet nine, and ain't he divine, let's have a big round of applause for Hey-zuess Christ!"

JC: "No, it's Gee-sus"

Chucky: "I'll mention that to my Mexican gardener! But seriously, what are you going to do for us today?"

JC: "Well I thought I'd do a little miracle for you"

Chucky: "Can you make Jamie's nose a little smaller?"

Farr: Flips Chucky the bird

JC: "Well, I thought I'd repeat my "loaves and fishes" miracle I did a few thousand years ago"

Chucky: "OK, Take it away!"

JC: "As you can see, there's nothing up my sleeve"

J. P. Morgan "I want to see what's under that toga!"

JC, flustered: "um...I have a goldfish in this hand and a bagel in the other, and when I say the magic words, I'm going to make them big enough to feed the entire audience"

J. P. Morgan lifting her shirt "Can you make these bigger?"

JC, now clearly flustered: "um...er...I just dropped my goldfish!"

Artie: "By the look on your face, I think you dropped it down your shorts!"

JC looks clearly flustered now, as Jamie Farr smacks the gong.

The band strikes up, and as Chucky comes over to console him, JC stammers "WAIT, WAIT", but it's too late, as "Gene Gene the Dancing Machine" crowds him off the stage.

He leaves the studio, consolation prize in hand. "Perhaps I should wait a little longer, until people here mature a little", he thinks to himself. "These folks are just plain crazy!" "Perhaps I'll come back in a few years, and meet with the smartest man in the country!"

(Cue the Wayback Machine, and set it for 2002!)

We find JC at the White House, standing in the Oval Office.
JC: "If this is the White House, and you are the president, you must be the smartest man in the country! What did you say your name was again?"
The Prez: "Um, George Bush."
JC: "Oh Shit, perhaps I should wait another 2000 years and see if things get any dumber!"

And so you see, that's the way it really happened. He came, he saw, and he said "screw it!"

Constitutional Consternation

Over 200 years ago, a group of insurgents took control of a fledgling nation. These terrorists sought to block commerce, and by doing so, cripple the rulers in power. These thugs had the audacity to invade a harbor, and throw the contents of a merchant ship into the water. Who were these unlawful, unruly reprobates? Well, they were our forefathers! Yes, the very activities we find disturbing today, brought forth a new nation in their time.

The "Boston Tea Party" put the British on notice that the Patriots were "Mad as hell, and they weren't gonna take it any more"! A far cry from today's whining losers who offer the nation nothing but sour grapes over losing the last election. What could be more patriotic than what our ancestors did? They drew a line in the sand, and said "if you cross this line, your ass is grass", whereas today's "Tea-Baggers" just toss around the word "Socialist" and question the President's birth certificate. I guess a lot has changed in 200 years.

Times were different back then, the Declaration of Independence was put forth, and from that point, there was no going back. We had declared ourselves a new nation, and had Constitutional convention to form the foundation of our nation. Of course looking online at the liquor order for the event, you would have thought is was to be a bachelor party for about 500 people! We don't know how many strippers they hired, but methinks they were too drunk to have noticed them anyhow.

At any rate, the convention ended, after the constitution was signed (judging by the size of his signature, I believe John Hancock supplied the booze, and possibly the strippers), and a "Bill of Rights" was introduced.
While the Constitution itself covered the formation of government, the Amendments (bill of rights) covered stuff concerning the population at large. The Amendments to the Constitution (the bill) were written plainly and simply with no need for interpretation.

And here's where this post is going; the framers of the Constitution saw things 200+ years ago, and wrote the laws to reflect them. They were not able to see into the future, and would be scared to death if they were! The Amendments were clear cut, and precise.
Take for example the Second Amendment: " A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed". This means that the people of the nation had the right to keep arms that existed at the time the bill was written, mostly flintlocks and muskets. It certainly didn't mention AK-47's, Uzis and the like.

Thanks to many people's misreading of the bill, we now have people with more powerful weapons than law enforcement. I don't think that the signers would have appreciated their bill being taken out of context like that! The entire thing was written to be understood, and obeyed by the people of the day. There was no "wiggle room" written in, so it should be followed to the letter, in the spirit it was written.

The current Tea Party mantra misconstrues what was written years ago, twists the meanings, and uses it to strike fear in the hearts of their followers. "The government wants to take your guns away" they shriek, or "We're a Christian nation according to the First amendment"! Gradually, these untruths, and others become accepted "facts" and the whole meaning of the law is changed.

For them to call themselves "Patriots" is just crap. These people could care less about the people they purport to represent, and just want attention, and of course money. The poster child for the movement is one who craves the most attention: Sarah Palin. Given the choice between listening to, and looking at Palin, and Alfred E Neuman, Alf gets my vote every time.

So let's all follow the Constitution to the letter, and stop trying to second guess our forefathers. Ignore the pleadings of the Tea-Baggers to move the country backwards to the Bush Era, and most of all, ignore Sarah Palin! Every time I see her on television, I hear the late Dean Martin crooning one of his best songs: "That's Amore", only with different words:

Sing along, won't you?

"When the Party of Tea tells me Palin's for me, that's a moron,
Husband works for BP, they live comfortably, she's a moron"

I imagine that or forefathers agree.

"Hava Cuppa Tea"

Seems that every day, the "Tea Party" makes the news in some way or another, proof positive that the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease. Outside of complaining, what do they offer voters? They appeared right after the Republicans suffered a resounding defeat in the 2008 general election. Odd isn't it? They whine and complain about the state of the nation, but always neglect to admit that it was their votes that got us into the mess we're in now. 8 years of "Compassionate Conservatism" had cost millions of people their jobs, livelihoods, their homes, and nearly 3,000 American service men and woman their lives. And they long to get back to work at it, blaming all the country's ills on the current president. Isn't that like blaming the plumber that just unclogged you drain for handing you a bill, when it was you that clogged it up in the first place? The Tea Baggers offer no solutions, just complaints. Come on folks, you lost the election, get over it! If losing is what qualifies you for office, than the Chicago Cubs should hold the House and Senate, and Ernie Banks should be the friggin' President!

Tea Baggers also seem to gravitate to narssistic personalities, such as Sara Pain (oops, a typo....I meant Palin!) This empty headed buffoon offers no answers, mostly because she doesn't understand the questions. She loves to be in front of a camera, and act "folksy". Minnie Pearl was folksy, Gabby Hayes was folksy, Slim Pickens (the real star of "Blazing Saddles") was folksy. Sarah Palin is more like that annoying clown at a Jack in the Box restaraunt drive through, looking stupid, while someone puts words in her mouth! Is this the best the party can do?

Worse yet, there's another Tea Bagger hunting down every camera she can appear before. Christine ODonnell is the East coast version of Palin. No idea what she's doing, serious problems with her accounting for campaign funds, but once again, trying that forced "folksy charm" that Palin made popular. O'Donnell's troubles, besides money; her's and her campaign's, are worse than even Palins, because O'Donnel never met a camera she didn't like. Sometimes, what you do in the past can screw up your future. Recently O'Donnell has gained public scrutiny for some of her recorded clips on masturbation. This has to make the Christian Right a bit squeamish, but worse yet, she is also heard admitting an interest in witchcraft, and other Satanic rituals. This has to be making the Wingnuts crazy! No clean wholesome candidate here, she's a dildo totin', devil worshipin' Tea Baggin' threat to their values. Yee-Haw, ain't this fun!!

When the dust settles, we see that nothing has changed in the Republican Party since the disastrous Ronald Regan regime. Give to the rich, screw the poor, and take all the money you can get. Thanks a lot Douche (er Tea) baggers, but I'll take Hope and Change over Dumb and Dumber any day!

"Who's Your Deity?"

I was working around the house today, painting the back door, and giving life a lot of thought. Since it was Sunday and all, my mind turned to religion, and to who would be best at being a deity. I settled on two; "The Big Guy Upstairs", and Santa Claus.

To start with, they're both fictional beings, possessing magic powers. I decided to run a comparison of the both of them and see who might win.

First off, they both have the ability to see you at all times (Even when you're sleeping), and know every aspect of your life.

Advantage: Neither.

Second, they both keep lists of who's naughty and nice. Only Santa will still bring you stuff even though you haven't been on your best behavior (and I can personally attest to this!).

Advantage: Santa.

Thirdly, God is everywhere, while Santa hangs at the North Pole 364 days a year. However, Santa has Mrs. Claus around, and she's always dressed in red leather and fur.

Once again, advantage: Santa

And now for the heavy stuff; While both know if you've been good or not, at least Santa cares one way or the other. The big guy claims to care about you, but won't hesitate to throw you in front of a speeding truck just for fun. Just how is that affection? Religious people will say it's just God calling you home..no shit? My mother used to call me home for supper every night, and never once threw me in front of a truck (although I'll bet she did entertain the idea a few times). And what about this business of smiting people? That's not very loving, is it?

Sometimes you get smitten (or is that smote?) and live to tell about it and go on and do the same thing again. I'd have to borrow a phrase from a Great White song (a band famous for their pyrotecnics, rather than their music) and say "Once smitten, twice shy".

And so in the end, we have to give the win to Santa, for being the best deity, and for not whacking people just for fun.

Sorry big guy, but you need to take an anger management course!

The Bottom Line

Have you ever really thought about the music we've listened to over the years? Sure, we know the lyrics by heart, we know the tune, and the artists, as we've heard the same songs for decades now. But have we really ever heard the songs, and not merely listened to them?

This whole thought came from an inspiration I received while working the other day. I was the only one working in the house at the time, and I was in a back room. I had found an old Zenith Console Stereo buried under a pile of stuff. It took a while to clean it off, but what I had found was a well preserved music machine. I fired it up, and to my surprise, it worked quite well. We had found about 75 45 rpm singles a few days beforehand, and looking through them I found a Beatles recording from the mid-70's. Hearing that song again brought back memories of listening to tinny transistor radio speakers, cheap stereo sets, and even televisions playing the same tune. But there was something different here, it was the bass line Paul McCartney was laying down. The higher quality sound system had picked up the bass and brought it into the song where it belonged. It was magical! Here I was with this 30 or 40 year old machine, being reintroduced to a song I thought I knew so well!

I was enthralled by McCartney's ability. Instead of just thumping the strings, he wove an intricate line of rhythm into a familiar tune. His talent at this left me amazed!
So that's the reason for this post; I salute the unsung hero's of the Rock and Roll world...the bass players! They play with a skill and talent that largely goes unrecognized. They are merely second fiddle to the singer, and lead guitarist, yet to listen to them, they could carry the show on their own!

Looking into a few more tunes, I found another player with a skill that left me in awe. Sarah Lee (yes that's her real name) is a female bass player that you might have seen in the B-52's "Love Shack" video. (She was the woman in the bath tub). Listening to her riffs in that song with my new found appreciation of music, I was blown away at how she filled the song out with her ability, and thinking how flat it would have been without her skills. What awesome talent!

And so here's to you bass players everywhere. Keeping the music alive with your talent, and giving me a whole new appreciation of real musicianship!