Friday, January 21, 2011

"Watch Out For That Treeeeeeee!"

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a cartoon series that featured a handsome, but rather dumb character called "George of the Jungle". George wasn't the sharpest when it came to swinging from the jungle's vines, in fact he usually miscalculated, and swung smack dab into a tree. In fact the show's theme songs lyrics always included the line "Watch out for that tree!" In the end, he somehow got the situation under control, and saved the day.

The reason I mentioned George, happens to be a viral video going around right now, featuring a woman in a shopping mall texting while walking. She's so wrapped up in what she's doing, that she fails to see a fountain in her path, and promptly falls into it. She emerges from the water, seemingly unscathed, and proceeds to pick up her phone from the watery depths, and walk away (dripping wet) looking none the worse for the experience. Cathy Cruz Marraro of Reading PA became an overnight sensation by falling into the water, but the security personnel at the Berkshire Mall should really get the credit here. They posted the video to YouTube, and the rest, as they say, is history. On the video, you can hear the security people laughing and giggling as they replay the tape over and over again. Like George, this klutz is the victim of her own miscalculation, and ends up in the water.

Most people would be content to laugh off the video, and perhaps lay low until the sensation wears off, but not Ms. Marraro. She hired a lawyer, and threatened to sue Berkshire Mall's security force for not aiding her. Personally, if I worked security there, I would have gotten on the PA system and yelled "Hey Flipper, get outta the pool!" Then again, that's just me. She claimed that the "video watched 'round the world" made her look foolish (Really?), and since she worked at the mall, subjected her to taunts from coworkers. Though she's not looking for monetary damages, she does want an apology from the mall. "Gosh Cathy, we're really, really sorry we put that fountain where you wanted to walk".

Mind you, the video never shows a face, even though we see it from two angles. There really is no proof that the texting twit actually was her. But she insisted it indeed was her, and she wanted some sort of compensation for her now world famous dive. Appearing on ABC's "Good Morning America", she railed against the mall security for not coming to her aid, or at least not checking to see if she injured herself. She appeared near tears at some points during the interview, and I'm sure a lot of people felt genuine sympathy for her. Not me.

First off, the video was anonymous, no one appeared to see it happen, and she just walked away without there ever being a clear shot of her face. Secondly, the tears she shed on the show looked to be forced. Had there been a bullshit detector in the studio, I have no doubt it would have gone off. She could have been auditioning for the job of Speaker of the House (sorry Mr. Boner) they were so phony! The show ended, and nothing more was mentioned , but the story doesn't end quite yet.

It seems that right after the show, MS. Marraro and her lawyer had a court appearance on something totally unrelated to her infamous flop. It seems that she was charged in October 2009, of stealing a co-worker's credit cards, and buying over $5000 worth of merchandise with them. Not to mention her previous theft charges, and a hit and run charge. Ms. Marraro apparently has some splainin' to do here. Was this a scam to extort money from Berkshire Mall? Is this whole thing just for a quick cash payment, while the real victim dries out? We may never know, but we learned the dangers of texting and doing nearly anything. Oh yeah, we got a good laugh as well!

So, as George of the Jungle sails head first into a waiting tree, and Cathy Marraro falls into a waiting fountain, I mist bid you all adieu, but not before you watch the video again!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Cue the Black Helicopters!

There have been a number of birds found dead around the world recently, and no one seems to know why. I heard of a YouTube video this morning, and had to check it out. It was done by a guy named Mike Beckham from Tennessee, and he had "proof" that it was not only caused by government research, but the government was going to "set off" the New Madrid earthquake by doing so. In this rambling 30+ minute video, where for some reason he talks to us over a Magic Jack connection, we learn that the government can now control the jet stream. He goes on to detail how there is a triangle from Bebe Arkansas, to the places where the other birds died in Tennessee, and Louisiana, all on account of the array in Alaska! As he wraps up, he mentions that he has a lot more information, but (of course) you would have to send money to get it.

What's even more interesting, is that he places the New Madrid Fault in the center of this triangle, and makes the claim that the government is going to cause an earthquake (apparently by beaming radio signals at the sky up in Alaska). Of course this is total nonsense, but I wondered just what type of scholar, professor, or person of knowledge Mr. Beckham must be to know all this stuff. A quick check of some of the other videos he's posted shows that 'ol Mike's a Billy Bob of the first magnitude. He might have graduated high school, but I wouldn't bet on it!

It seems that the crazies are coming out of the woodwork lately! I also checked into the "Planet X" hoax, where another nutbag has made up an amazing number of "facts" about a mysterious planet the size of Jupiter that is as bright as the sun, but is hiding where we can't see it. In 2012 (of course) it's going to destroy the earth. A bit of fact checking shows that this is just crazy, but these people put this crap out there to stir up the less than intelligent people. Much like the false reports that the President is a Muslim, or wasn't born in the US, these wackos want to rile up people usually for their own gain.

The oldest conspiracy theory is the one that began after the "incident" in Roswell New Mexico in the late 1940's. It seems an unidentified object crashed in the desert there, and (naturally) the Government covered it up This one incident has fed the rumor mill for over a half century now, with alleged sightings, abductions, and such. The general theory is that alien races from far across the universe want to study us. The Government is covering up the fact that they have the alien spacecraft hidden in Area 51, and are reverse engineering it to create one of our own.

So lets look at this alien invasion from a logical standpoint. Why in hell's name would an intelligent species fly trillions of miles to Earth, just to scare a few people and go back home again? If they were interested in us, wouldn't they have given us some advice as to how to make our world a better place? Wouldn't they have chided us over our polluted air and water, our incessant wars, intolerance, and aggression? After 9\11, don't you think that a benevolent alien would have stopped by the White House, and said, "Osama's in Pakistan, dummy"? Or donated a few players to the Chicago Cubs roster so they could finally be in the World Series? After 50 years, they haven't left in disgust, but continue to fly about overhead?

I have a theory on this. The alien races that stop here, are using us as a rest stop. "Get out, pee, and stretch your legs, and then carry on" is their motto. Of course the Earth isn't a 5-star stop in the alien tour books, as we're really not a very clean cosmic restroom. "Hurry up Zog, you don't want to catch anything!"

At any rate, send $29.95 for an in depth study of why alien life forms love to scare Mexicans, and get a free Klingon window cling. Don't delay, do it before the world ends!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Top Ten List

As we enter 2011, I thought it would be a proper time to propose a "Top Ten List" for the thinking people in America, and it goes something like this:

10. If you are against the healthcare plan, but on Medicare..
you might be a Republican.

9 If you are against "those Socialist Liberals" but get
Social might be a Republican.

8 If all the other news outlets are Liberal media hacks,
but Fox News tells the might be a

7 If you think the T.A.R.P bailout was brought
about by the might be a

6 If you claim to have "Conservative Values", but
love might be a Republican.

5 If you continually watch "Bedtime for Bonzo"
just because Ronald Regan was in
might be a Republican.

4 If you thought Regan was smarter than the might be a Republican.

3 If you support tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy
even if they destroyed your nest
might be a Republican.

2 If you would vote for a gun toting loudmouth,
or a dildo toting might be a

1 If you try to blame everything from the extinction
of the Dinosaurs to your own constipation on
Bill might just be a Republican!

"When I'm 65............"

The dawn of the year 2011 is upon us. While it's considered a new year, it seems that the world faces the same dilemmas. War, poverty, hunger, and crime don't take a break from year to year, but we hope against hope that the new year will change at least some of that. While it's S.O.S. (Same Old Shit) for most of the world, it's the dawn of a new age for the "Baby Boomers" in the USA. The first of our generation is marking it's 65th birthday beginning today, and it's predicted that another 10,000 will follow each day thereafter. 65 years of age meant retirement to our parents, and we felt the same would be true for us.

Of course we believed we could change the world when we were growing up. Our dreams were loftier than our parents had. While they merely wanted a job, a home, and family, we yearned for more. We wanted to reach for the stars. No ordinary factory jobs for us; we were going to be astronauts, activists, actors and actresses. We grew up watching television, and saw the wonders of the age unfold before us. Our dreams were bigger, and grander than our parents could ever imagine!

By the 1960's, we believed that we could change the world through peace, love, and understanding. We believed that we could bring the world together as one, and move humanity out of wars, and poverty. Sadly, the dream didn't last nearly long enough.

We watched ourselves become copies of our parents. Our lofty ideals gave way to the reality of a weekly paycheck. Jobs were plentiful back then, and we always had that magic age of 65 to look forward to when we could finally take a well deserved rest. We worked for people from our parents generation, and we were amazed that we began to make more than they did! The sky was the limit, and we were going higher than we ever thought possible! Perhaps we really did change the world!.

As the years went by, two things happened. First, some of our generation chucked the blue collar existence for dreams of the boardroom. They became the CFO's, Wall Street Bankers, and Executive Directors that would shape our future. Secondly, our children entered the workforce. We saw them as lazy and undependable workers, and fretted as to "what kind of parents did these kids have?"

The new "kids" didn't respect us, didn't listen, and thought they were above any manual labor. They were skilled at video games, and not much else. Why couldn't they be more like us??

Meanwhile, our generation's CFO's and executives took over Wall Street and it's banks, and made billions off the economy, and their own generation. Future historians will call them "The Dicks".

Our generation was headed towards the "perfect storm" of the Wall Street Meltdown. We were told to invest in financial instruments to secure our retirement. As we got older, age 65 got closer, and our generation knew they wanted a secure future for ourselves; after all, we earned it!

When the meltdown of 2008 hit, the hopes and dreams of tens of thousands of our generation were destroyed. Retirement would be unfunded, and no one was going to get that money back. It seems that we had a chance for "the good life", but we killed it.

And so, as our generation reaches retirement age, many of us have to keep working to pay for what we have. We have been living on credit for so many years, that we may never get all our debt paid off. Unlike our parents, who left their jobs with no mortgage, no debt, and no worries, we face the same dilemma facing as our working children.

"I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go!" We sure screwed up, didn't we?