Covert Oops

Rumors are rampant on the Internet, concerning all manner of Government subjugation of the people, and establishment of a "New World Order" All these ideas usually make their way to YouTube, where they are presented as "facts". Years ago, people who dreamed up weird things like this were considered to be paranoid, and isolated from the real world. Now thanks to the Internet, they have found fellowship with all the other kooks, loons, and schizoids out there!

We hear talk of the HARRP radio array in Alaska being used for mind control, and also to force an earthquake along the New Madrid fault. Why, would the government do this? The kooks blame "The New World Order" for all of this and more. They fear a takeover is in the offing, and we will all become slaves, or subjugated in some way. Of course this has about the same chance of happening as a rabid unicorn from space eating all your Cheetos, but they believe!

In the interest of debunking this nonsense, I decided to use my Government clearance to get deep inside the issue. What I have found is shocking!
Super secret documents have been passed to me via packages of "Quick He Leaks"tm male undergarments. The Federal has been using male incontinence products innocently stocked on store shelves to pass on information. Microfilm, and computer chips are inserted into the packages by spies, and then the undergarments are purchased by other agents made up to look like older males. I recently purchased several of these packages, disguised as an older male, and obtained the documents from them. Rather than discarding the surrounding product, I have found them great for soaking up oil leaks under my pickup. It took thousands of hours to sift through the information, but I will boil it all down to a few paragraphs.

The H.A.R.R.P. array was not built by the U.S, but by the New World Order. It was designed to communicate with the Massive Orbital Radiation Optimization Network (MORON) satellites orbiting above the US. They are thought to cause widespread unrest, and to have triggered uprisings in Egypt, Libya, and Madison Wisconsin. The front group for all of this is the T.E.A. (Terroristic European Alliance) Party. Long known for their thought control tactics, they have expanded their efforts through the use of chemicals in jet contrails (ICE or Intelligence Cancelling Emollients), while the M.O.R.O.N. network beams down mind altering waves from above. Coincidentally, the satellites use the same frequency as the Fox News Network. The TEA Party works in close contact with the network, in fact supplying them with personnel.

The second prong of this attack on America is the use of automatons that mingle with the general public, repeating their masters words. These automatons, built by the Mackenzie brothers in their labs on the grounds of the Elsinore Brewery in Canada, have already been put in place. The first test of one of their creations actually was elected President! B.U.S.H. (Bureaucratic Unpopular Sub-Human) went on to set the machinery in motion to welcome the next creation. This new automaton was crafted from electronics, bionics, and moose droppings and code named Sarah.This second effort was coined the G.U.M.P. project, or "Government Undermining Mechanical Portrayal"
As the campaign broadens, GUMP and TEA will continue to deceive Americans, and turn them against each other. From secret bunkers in Alaska, they will trigger massive earthquakes in the New Madrid and other fault zones, killing millions.
After triggering the super volcano in Yellowstone, the remaining citizens will be rounded up, and forced into slave labor camps. Only the wealthiest will be protected from the TEA.

There is good news though, the Federal Government has a plan in place to stop this before it gets too far. It's already in effect here and officials are confident that the TEA and GUMP will fail, and that Americans will be once again safe from mind control tactics. The program is called "OBAMA" which is short for "Oh Boy, A Magnificent American". OBAMA will return America to the middle class, and destroy the New World Order. The GUMP eventually is thought to be considering a new reality show, and steps are being taken to keep this from happening.

Let's hear it for the good guys!!

Bowl Me Over

The "Super Bowl", one of the most hyped sporting events ever imagined, takes place tonight. The frenzy has been building for weeks now, first with the playoffs for a chance to play in the game, and then with the hundreds of news reporters filling the city where the game will be held, in this case, Arlington Texas. There are news reports on the teams, and the individual players, and then reports on the commercials that will air during the broadcast, and that folks, is the giveaway. This isn't a football game, it's a cash cow! For example, look at the cost of tickets on the street right now. People wouldn't hesitate to spend $2000 for a single ticket to the big game in a distant city, but would never pay anything close to watch their team play at home. All the hype makes this worth it. I suppose a chance to get drunk in the stands while millions of television viewers look on is just too good to pass up.

But the real hook here is the money to be made. The Super Bowl hasn't always existed. The first game was played in 1967 at the Los Angeles Coliseum featuring the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs. The Packers went on to win it in front of a less than sellout crowd by a score of 35-10. The die was cast for the future! The hype machine went into full production mode, and over the years, has resulted in millions in revenue for the league, advertisers, teams, and players.

But is this really a "Super Bowl"? Are teams from beyond our borders ever considered? Much like the "World Series", only American teams are able to play. This makes the whole idea of the game seem sort of patriotic, and buying the endless stream of products pitched at you during the course of the telecast, seem like your duty. Somehow, you're considered to be some sort of anarchist if you're not sitting there watching the game with a Bud in one hand, and the other hand in a bag of Doritos, while bragging about your new GoDaddy account. It's not about the football, it's about the Benjamins!

NASCAR has the same thing going on, but in reverse. The "Season Opener" is held just after the Super Bowl, at the Daytona International Speedway. The media buzz for this event begins just after the last race of the previous season. All the hype, the endless commercials are there, but with a different formula. Instead of a fan having a home team, attending the games, and being loyal to that team only, NASCAR fans have a driver they follow, and often attend the race at different venues across the country. This way the cash gets spread around to different track owners, vendors, and even different cities. NASCASH oops, I meant NASCAR has used the same formula for the hype, but a different formula to chose the winner. Instead of just winning a game, or in this case a race, they have instituted a points system, where drivers are given points for everything from leading a lap, to leading the most laps, to not soiling themselves after a big wreck. After a nearly full season, the top 12 drivers lose their points, and start over, completing 10 more races to finally chose a winner. It is possible to never win a race, but win the championship! WTF? Is this competition? No, of course not, it's marketing!

In the end, there is always a winner, and the glory that goes with it. A nice Super Bowl ring, or NASCAR trophy are tangible reminders of victory, but to the owners, leagues, and advertisers, it doesn't really matter who wins, it matter who pays! Sad, ain't it?

So who do you like in today's Lingerie Bowl?

"Watch Out For That Treeeeeeee!"

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a cartoon series that featured a handsome, but rather dumb character called "George of the Jungle". George wasn't the sharpest when it came to swinging from the jungle's vines, in fact he usually miscalculated, and swung smack dab into a tree. In fact the show's theme songs lyrics always included the line "Watch out for that tree!" In the end, he somehow got the situation under control, and saved the day.

The reason I mentioned George, happens to be a viral video going around right now, featuring a woman in a shopping mall texting while walking. She's so wrapped up in what she's doing, that she fails to see a fountain in her path, and promptly falls into it. She emerges from the water, seemingly unscathed, and proceeds to pick up her phone from the watery depths, and walk away (dripping wet) looking none the worse for the experience. Cathy Cruz Marraro of Reading PA became an overnight sensation by falling into the water, but the security personnel at the Berkshire Mall should really get the credit here. They posted the video to YouTube, and the rest, as they say, is history. On the video, you can hear the security people laughing and giggling as they replay the tape over and over again. Like George, this klutz is the victim of her own miscalculation, and ends up in the water.

Most people would be content to laugh off the video, and perhaps lay low until the sensation wears off, but not Ms. Marraro. She hired a lawyer, and threatened to sue Berkshire Mall's security force for not aiding her. Personally, if I worked security there, I would have gotten on the PA system and yelled "Hey Flipper, get outta the pool!" Then again, that's just me. She claimed that the "video watched 'round the world" made her look foolish (Really?), and since she worked at the mall, subjected her to taunts from coworkers. Though she's not looking for monetary damages, she does want an apology from the mall. "Gosh Cathy, we're really, really sorry we put that fountain where you wanted to walk".

Mind you, the video never shows a face, even though we see it from two angles. There really is no proof that the texting twit actually was her. But she insisted it indeed was her, and she wanted some sort of compensation for her now world famous dive. Appearing on ABC's "Good Morning America", she railed against the mall security for not coming to her aid, or at least not checking to see if she injured herself. She appeared near tears at some points during the interview, and I'm sure a lot of people felt genuine sympathy for her. Not me.

First off, the video was anonymous, no one appeared to see it happen, and she just walked away without there ever being a clear shot of her face. Secondly, the tears she shed on the show looked to be forced. Had there been a bullshit detector in the studio, I have no doubt it would have gone off. She could have been auditioning for the job of Speaker of the House (sorry Mr. Boner) they were so phony! The show ended, and nothing more was mentioned , but the story doesn't end quite yet.

It seems that right after the show, MS. Marraro and her lawyer had a court appearance on something totally unrelated to her infamous flop. It seems that she was charged in October 2009, of stealing a co-worker's credit cards, and buying over $5000 worth of merchandise with them. Not to mention her previous theft charges, and a hit and run charge. Ms. Marraro apparently has some splainin' to do here. Was this a scam to extort money from Berkshire Mall? Is this whole thing just for a quick cash payment, while the real victim dries out? We may never know, but we learned the dangers of texting and doing nearly anything. Oh yeah, we got a good laugh as well!

So, as George of the Jungle sails head first into a waiting tree, and Cathy Marraro falls into a waiting fountain, I mist bid you all adieu, but not before you watch the video again!

Cue the Black Helicopters!

There have been a number of birds found dead around the world recently, and no one seems to know why. I heard of a YouTube video this morning, and had to check it out. It was done by a guy named Mike Beckham from Tennessee, and he had "proof" that it was not only caused by government research, but the government was going to "set off" the New Madrid earthquake by doing so. In this rambling 30+ minute video, where for some reason he talks to us over a Magic Jack connection, we learn that the government can now control the jet stream. He goes on to detail how there is a triangle from Bebe Arkansas, to the places where the other birds died in Tennessee, and Louisiana, all on account of the array in Alaska! As he wraps up, he mentions that he has a lot more information, but (of course) you would have to send money to get it.

What's even more interesting, is that he places the New Madrid Fault in the center of this triangle, and makes the claim that the government is going to cause an earthquake (apparently by beaming radio signals at the sky up in Alaska). Of course this is total nonsense, but I wondered just what type of scholar, professor, or person of knowledge Mr. Beckham must be to know all this stuff. A quick check of some of the other videos he's posted shows that 'ol Mike's a Billy Bob of the first magnitude. He might have graduated high school, but I wouldn't bet on it!

It seems that the crazies are coming out of the woodwork lately! I also checked into the "Planet X" hoax, where another nutbag has made up an amazing number of "facts" about a mysterious planet the size of Jupiter that is as bright as the sun, but is hiding where we can't see it. In 2012 (of course) it's going to destroy the earth. A bit of fact checking shows that this is just crazy, but these people put this crap out there to stir up the less than intelligent people. Much like the false reports that the President is a Muslim, or wasn't born in the US, these wackos want to rile up people usually for their own gain.

The oldest conspiracy theory is the one that began after the "incident" in Roswell New Mexico in the late 1940's. It seems an unidentified object crashed in the desert there, and (naturally) the Government covered it up This one incident has fed the rumor mill for over a half century now, with alleged sightings, abductions, and such. The general theory is that alien races from far across the universe want to study us. The Government is covering up the fact that they have the alien spacecraft hidden in Area 51, and are reverse engineering it to create one of our own.

So lets look at this alien invasion from a logical standpoint. Why in hell's name would an intelligent species fly trillions of miles to Earth, just to scare a few people and go back home again? If they were interested in us, wouldn't they have given us some advice as to how to make our world a better place? Wouldn't they have chided us over our polluted air and water, our incessant wars, intolerance, and aggression? After 9\11, don't you think that a benevolent alien would have stopped by the White House, and said, "Osama's in Pakistan, dummy"? Or donated a few players to the Chicago Cubs roster so they could finally be in the World Series? After 50 years, they haven't left in disgust, but continue to fly about overhead?

I have a theory on this. The alien races that stop here, are using us as a rest stop. "Get out, pee, and stretch your legs, and then carry on" is their motto. Of course the Earth isn't a 5-star stop in the alien tour books, as we're really not a very clean cosmic restroom. "Hurry up Zog, you don't want to catch anything!"

At any rate, send $29.95 for an in depth study of why alien life forms love to scare Mexicans, and get a free Klingon window cling. Don't delay, do it before the world ends!!

A Top Ten List

As we enter 2011, I thought it would be a proper time to propose a "Top Ten List" for the thinking people in America, and it goes something like this:

10. If you are against the healthcare plan, but on Medicare..
you might be a Republican.

9 If you are against "those Socialist Liberals" but get
Social Security...you might be a Republican.

8 If all the other news outlets are Liberal media hacks,
but Fox News tells the truth...you might be a
Republican.

7 If you think the T.A.R.P bailout was brought
about by the Democrats...you might be a
Republican.

6 If you claim to have "Conservative Values", but
love earmarks...you might be a Republican.

5 If you continually watch "Bedtime for Bonzo"
just because Ronald Regan was in it...you
might be a Republican.

4 If you thought Regan was smarter than the
chimp...you might be a Republican.

3 If you support tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy
even if they destroyed your nest egg....you
might be a Republican.

2 If you would vote for a gun toting loudmouth,
or a dildo toting witch...you might be a
Republican.

1 If you try to blame everything from the extinction
of the Dinosaurs to your own constipation on
Bill Clinton...you might just be a Republican!

"When I'm 65............"

The dawn of the year 2011 is upon us. While it's considered a new year, it seems that the world faces the same dilemmas. War, poverty, hunger, and crime don't take a break from year to year, but we hope against hope that the new year will change at least some of that. While it's S.O.S. (Same Old Shit) for most of the world, it's the dawn of a new age for the "Baby Boomers" in the USA. The first of our generation is marking it's 65th birthday beginning today, and it's predicted that another 10,000 will follow each day thereafter. 65 years of age meant retirement to our parents, and we felt the same would be true for us.

Of course we believed we could change the world when we were growing up. Our dreams were loftier than our parents had. While they merely wanted a job, a home, and family, we yearned for more. We wanted to reach for the stars. No ordinary factory jobs for us; we were going to be astronauts, activists, actors and actresses. We grew up watching television, and saw the wonders of the age unfold before us. Our dreams were bigger, and grander than our parents could ever imagine!

By the 1960's, we believed that we could change the world through peace, love, and understanding. We believed that we could bring the world together as one, and move humanity out of wars, and poverty. Sadly, the dream didn't last nearly long enough.

We watched ourselves become copies of our parents. Our lofty ideals gave way to the reality of a weekly paycheck. Jobs were plentiful back then, and we always had that magic age of 65 to look forward to when we could finally take a well deserved rest. We worked for people from our parents generation, and we were amazed that we began to make more than they did! The sky was the limit, and we were going higher than we ever thought possible! Perhaps we really did change the world!.

As the years went by, two things happened. First, some of our generation chucked the blue collar existence for dreams of the boardroom. They became the CFO's, Wall Street Bankers, and Executive Directors that would shape our future. Secondly, our children entered the workforce. We saw them as lazy and undependable workers, and fretted as to "what kind of parents did these kids have?"

The new "kids" didn't respect us, didn't listen, and thought they were above any manual labor. They were skilled at video games, and not much else. Why couldn't they be more like us??

Meanwhile, our generation's CFO's and executives took over Wall Street and it's banks, and made billions off the economy, and their own generation. Future historians will call them "The Dicks".

Our generation was headed towards the "perfect storm" of the Wall Street Meltdown. We were told to invest in financial instruments to secure our retirement. As we got older, age 65 got closer, and our generation knew they wanted a secure future for ourselves; after all, we earned it!

When the meltdown of 2008 hit, the hopes and dreams of tens of thousands of our generation were destroyed. Retirement would be unfunded, and no one was going to get that money back. It seems that we had a chance for "the good life", but we killed it.

And so, as our generation reaches retirement age, many of us have to keep working to pay for what we have. We have been living on credit for so many years, that we may never get all our debt paid off. Unlike our parents, who left their jobs with no mortgage, no debt, and no worries, we face the same dilemma facing as our working children.

"I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go!" We sure screwed up, didn't we?

12 Days of Christmas?

Yet another Holiday season is upon us. No matter what we do, it seems that we are constantly bombarded with images, traditions, and songs from a distant time. I suppose this is the "Ghost of Christmas Past" that Scrooge was so afraid of. Of all the songs we are forced to hear, there is one even more annoying than the rest; "The 12 Days of Christmas". This insipid ditty drones on seemingly forever repeating lines over and over again. Any thinking person would question receiving all these "drummers drumming, pipers piping", and all those damn birds. Why by the end of the song I am envisioning a noisy zoo of a household, covered in three inches of bird shit. The song makes "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", seem scholarly by comparison!

Sadly, Christmas goes year round now! It starts in late June with the "Christmas in July sales". Apparently it's never too early to start going into debt. Within 48 hours of Halloween, the trees start going up in the stores. Lights, ornaments, and Christmas cards now occupy the spaces where Halloween candy once lurked. The hype has begun!

By mid-November, "Black Friday" previews begin appearing in your E-Mail inbox, in print ads, and radio and TV advertising You can't escape the beast that is Christmas! The Thanksgiving day paper is chock full of ads from merchants vying for your money. Some stores have resorted to opening on Thanksgiving day itself in order to get hold of your cash before anyone else! The crowds appear camped out in front of stores by noon, waiting for the early deals. The "Black Friday" rush is on!

(A brief note here; doesn't it seem that something called Black anything, would be reserved for African-Americans? You know, like "Black Power" or something? Merchants would offer gift ideas for minorities, such as "The Pimps and Ho's Playset", or "Driveby Dion" or something. For adults, "Gangsta" clothing, music, and weapons.)

But enough of that, for "The Big Day" looms ever closer! Shoppers exhaust themselves buying even more for friends and family, to make up for all the big ticket items they bought for themselves on Black Friday.

Before you know it, it's Christmas Eve, and shoppers are back out looking for last minute bargains. Then the big day dawns, presents are opened and millions of little faces convey the disappointment that they didn't get the expensive toys they had wished for (While dad gloats over getting his 60" big screen TV, laptop, and Blue-Ray player on Black Friday).

Boxing Day is next, when people return the gifts they got hoping to get enough cash to pay for the things they bought for others. January rolls around soon after, and the credit card bills begin arriving. Meanwhile, merchants are inventorying left over merchandise, and planning for they new year's "Christmas in July" sales.

Whatever happened to family and friends just getting together to be close during the holidays? No extravagance, no hype, just warm feelings? It's sad to see so many people driven so far in debt by the "Christmas Monster", but I guess that's what folks call progress. As for me, I'm not so sure.

Bah, Humbug!