Thursday, November 24, 2011

The real story of the First Thanksgiving

Centuries ago, the first illegal immigrants arrived on our shores.  They were known as "Pilgrims" and landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620.  Shortly thereafter, Plymouth Rock was discontinued, as was Pontiac Rock, Studebaker Rock, Oldsmobile Rock, and a host of others.  That meant that the Pilgrims were stuck here.
Their leader, Miles Standoffish, came all the way from England to pursue the woman of his dreams, Victoria Secret.  Miss Secret was the object of most of the mens desires, and poor Miles, didn't have much of a chance with her.  Instead, he turned his attention to a Native American woman named Snookie.  Snookie was as curvacious as a woman could be, and though she was no Victoria Secret, Miles pursued her constantly.  Finally, he had to ask her father, Chief Justice for her hand.  Chief Justice was supposedly an impartial judge of character, and consented to the union.

A huge feast was thrown to honor the newlyweds, and afterwards, they crept away for some private time.  In a short while, it appeared that there was trouble in paradise.  Miles had not yet followed up on his promises to Snookie.  There was no house in the suburbs, no SUV in the driveway, and no unlimited shopping privileges.  Poor Standoffish didn't realize that these things were still years away.  Snookie ran home to Chief Justice in tears, claiming a breach of contract.  The Chief consoled his daughter the best he could, and the next day, began working on a plan to get even.

The Chief decided to throw a huge feast, and invite the Pilgrims.  There would be turkey, yams, mashed potatoes and vintage wine.  (The Chief chose the good wine, because the Pilgrims were teetotalers, and wouldn't drink any).  The tables were set, and the feast was laid out.  Miles and Snookie were seated at the head of the table.  Thanks was given for the bountiful harvest that the Native Americans had gathered (while the Pilgrims mostly spent their time following Victoria Secret around).  Afterwards, the Chief produced a large pipe called a bong, and a ceremonial smoke was had.  Little did the Pilgrims know, that what they had just smoked, would knock them silly!

While they were asleep, the Chief instituted part two of his plan.  He had placed advertisements next to each pilgrim, proclaiming that the following day was "Black Friday", and they must shop.  As they regained consciousness, the Pilgrims found the ads, and not wishing to offend the chief, rushed off in search of bargains.  The chief had rounded up a slew of "merchants" and had them ready to sell cheap junk to the Pilgrims on credit.  Miles and the gang bought the plan hook line and sinker!  They bought a ton of useless junk, took it back home and tried to figure out what to do with it.  A week later, the Chief had a young brave named Mail-eiman bring the bills for their purchases around to each of the Pilgrim's homes.  Upon seeing the cost of what they bought, and knowing there was no way to repay it, they packed up their belongings, and headed back to England.  Well, all except for Victoria Secret, who stayed on, and founded a brothel.  She used to saunter by Chief Justice now and again, and he would point at her and yell: "Ho, Ho, HO!", which began another story of life in the New World, which must be told another time.

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